


eternal darkness of the mind

by lethargical



Category: Phandom, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2016 Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Amazingphil - Freeform, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, DAN AND PHIL - Freeform, Depression, Fluff, M/M, Memory Loss, Mental Health Issues, Pastel Dan and Punk Phil, Phanfiction, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, YouTube, dan and phil are really ooc but they still do youtube, dan howell deserves good things, danisnotonfire - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-20
Updated: 2017-04-10
Packaged: 2018-05-02 12:17:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 42,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5247995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lethargical/pseuds/lethargical
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan and Phil are best friends but they're opposites. Phil is independent. Dan has to depend on someone. When Phil finds out his dad is dying in America, he moves, leaving Dan alone and without a support system. How will Dan cope with the loss of his best friend and what changed him enough to lose faith in himself while Phil was away?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Small Print

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan comes to terms with his mental health issues and insecurities while Phil finishes a day of work and hopes Dan is okay.

**Dan's POV**

I don't think I've actually felt real happiness in a couple weeks ... A couple weeks minimum. I know. I need someone to talk to, anyone really at all. I've tried talking to a therapist, again, but it wasn't helpful. I mean, it's probably not their fault, I just don't open up to people easily.

The problem is that I _want_ to talk to someone but I can't. I have my best friend, Phil, and I haven't even told him. I mean, I could talk to him but I don't want to bother him with my problems. He most likely has more than enough problems of his own already, and anyway, how could he help me? He's just another friend. He'll just laugh and brush it off like it's a joke and say "Dan, don't be silly, you're just a bit sad, have a laugh", like the people at school used to.

But Phil, as cheesy as it sounds, is different. Phil isn't like them at all. He's always cared for me when no one else would. He missed his brother's birthday party just so he could help me when I was sick, bought me ice cream and had a movie marathon when my first boyfriend broke up with me, even took me to get pizza when my dog died. he's not like the others but he's always so happy, cheery and positive and I don't want to change that. If I told him what's going on with my life, he won't be the Phil I cherish. He'll look at me like a lost puppy, a damaged toy. He'll treat me like i'm fragile. He's the one person in my life who can make me feel just a bit okay, the person who gives me a bit of light in this world of eternal darkness. If he ever left me; I don't know what I'd do. So i won't tell him. What he doesn't know won't hurt him, even if it hurts me.

**Phil's POV**

Another workday finished. Thank god, it was awful. I'm normally not one to complain about things like this but honestly, my job is terrible. I work at a coffee shop in London and to be honest, when I got this job, I thought I would at least be _making_ coffee, not standing in the back washing the mugs, pots and plates. I mean, with this generation of technology , there should be gigantic metal cleaning machines that do everything for you? I mean dishwashers _do_ already exist however the shop hasn't made the smart move in investing in one. Yet. 

I got off topic. The day was over, finally. I really shouldn't be complaining because it is a Friday and I get to go home, sleep and hopefully see Dan before I have to pack. And that's another thing. A _very_ important thing. I'm moving to America in two weeks so I can look after my dad in hospital. I haven't told Dan yet, but I'm sure he'll be fine. He's one of the strongest and most independent people I've ever known. He'll understand and move on, plus we can stay in contact. It'll be fine. Dan is strong and happy.

At least that's the Dan I knew when I first met him; when we were kids. He's shifted into a weird mindset recently...I only noticed it a few weeks ago; he's always just a bit more quiet than everyone else in a room. He's not as excited about doing things anymore, and on top of that he just looks tired all the time, as if he hasn't had a good nights sleep in days on end. I don't know what's up, but he hasn't told me which probably means it's nothing too bad.I mean i really hope nothing is wrong because if something was up, he would tell me. He would right? Of course he would, I'm his best friend and best friends trust each other and ask for help when they need it. I'm just being paranoid again.

**Dan's POV**

I've amounted to nothing all day. I've been looking forward to the evening. Phil's supposed to come around tonight. He was talking to me over the phone on his lunch break earlier and he said he wanted to tell me something important. He seemed scared, or anxious or concerned. I don't know the difference between anxiety and being normal anymore. They're all just a jumble of feelings for me now. They're hard to separate when you feel them all at the same time.

I feel like I should tell him something important too, but I'll just make things awkward. I'd never want to purposefully make him uncomfortable. I've just had the biggest pathetic crush on him for years and I've been wanting to tell him for such a long time. But whatever, tonight Phil has to tell me something.  _Important._ I can't make everything about me and my problems. He's my best friend. B e s t  F r i e n d. He doesn't like me back obviously. I've got to let it go.

SHIT. I forgot.  
My room is a mess, once again. I haven't been feeling in the mood to do anything lately, but Phil is priority. I'll do it for him, that pretty man... I need to get my mind together before he comes over. Also, I need to stop procrastinating. I need to clean my fucking room.


	2. Eternally Missed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> t/w mentions of self harm this chapter
> 
> Phil's running late and Dan muses over his past, present and how pretty his best friend is.

5pm. It was already 5pm and Dan still lay on his bedroom floor. The room was still a complete mess. Failing to tidy it up two hours beforehand, he gave up. As usual. He didn't have to anyway, there wasn't anyone there to tell him to keep things tidy. Everything takes so much energy and Dan isn't one for being energetic.

Phil was coming round in around ten minutes, and although he was previously fixated on Phil's effect on his life, Dan had completely forgot the time and believed he would be over in an hours. He was in a mood. And not a good one.

One of those days. When nothing happens physically but mentally, you feel like you're on fire. Conflicts and 'What Ifs' spiraling your mind. Hopelessly, Dan got up and stumbled to the bathroom, not worrying about disturbing anyone in _his_ house. His parents weren't here. It was their house, it was in his parents names, there were still a few pictures around of them but they just weren't there.

Dan didn't like to talk about them. It was a sore subject. He had always said they were on a business trip, or on vacation or simply that they had just moved away. Nothing too complicated. But in reality? His father walked out when he was seven and his mother was somewhere. Wherever. She just disappeared one day. Probably to another country that Dan had never been to. Just like that without a note or anything. He got back to school one day with a half cooked meal and his mum gone. He involved the police but they found no trace of her past the day she had disappeared. It had been like this for three years.

"Nothing had changed" he thought as he opened the bathroom cabinet, searching for a velvet black box.

**Dan's POV**

"Not today" I say out loud to myself. Like I always do. Why do I keep shying away? I want this. I really do. I'm just weak. I start laughing to myself in self pity.

My mind drifts to Phil. Maybe he's why. If he ever found out, he'd never let me out of his sight. I'd be a prisoner to judgement and now I can't even cut without thinking of him. A voice in my head keeps screaming at me. His voice. His eyes full of disappointment.

I'm not worth it.

And why would I be worth it. Why would I even expect to have any shred of worth. My mother left me at 18. I wasn't exactly a child but she couldn't leave me alone like that. Fuck it, I need to stop blaming other people. It's my fault, I'm just a coward. A fucking coward who has problems and is too afraid to tell people his feelings. And besides, Phil will never reciprocate the feelings. There's no point to any of this.

**Phil's POV**

"I'm going to be late!" I think as I turn another street corner, my legs taking large strides down the pavement.

Dan's house isn't particularly far from where I work but it's still a good 15 minutes away and I said I'd be there at 5:15, meaning I should've been there three minutes ago.. and I only just left 5 minutes ago. He probably won't mind me being ten minutes late. He's probably sleeping as per usual. Which I guess is better than not sleeping at all. I'll only be ten minutes late and if he is asleep, there _is_  the advantage of seeing his face without a sign of worry. Besides, his sleeping face is cute.  
Too bad I'll miss it when I'm gone.

Maybe he hasn't been sleeping. He's been looking tired. He's not been himself lately. If only his parents visited him, maybe he'd be a bit more happy. I haven't seen his parents in years, I hope they're doing well. Dan's probably having a bad week. Those days happen to everyone. Things will turn round and Dan will be his self again in no time, I just know it.

I just need a way to break the news to him. He'll most likely understand why I'm moving there and he'll support me on this decision, but there's also this strange nagging feeling in the back of my head that tells me things aren't going to be okay. That telling him will ruin our friendship. I shouldn't be worrying like this. He's an adult now. 21 years old. He can handle things himself. He's changed since his parents moved. He's better. Isn't he ?

**Dan's POV**

I gave up and settled back into the messy abode of my bedroom again. I look out the window, expecting to see a cold empty street but to my surprise, I see Phil's tall, colourful figure walking down the street towards my house. He was supposed to be here 10 minutes ago. Good job he did show up though. I miss him, I always do. I don't know what I would've done if he hadn't agreed to come over. He hasn't been round in a week or so. He said he was busy. Doing what? I have no idea. He hasn't told me yet. He'll say it in his own time. He always does. I'd better go downstairs instead of musing away theories in my head. He's nearly here, perhaps a few doors away. Fuck this bedroom. At least Phil doesn't really mind. He doesn't even come into my bedroom often and when he does, he doesn't complain about the mess. If he does mind the mess, he's never told me so I'll take that as a no.

My head drifts back to Phil's face again. How can someone be so cute. It should be impossible. Jesus, I've fallen too deep. His outline can be seen through the frosted glass of the front window. And that's him at the door. I need to stop obsessing over him, it's unhealthy. We've known each other since we were seven. He was cute back then too. I need to stop. I know Phil makes me happy, but he's at the door and he's knocking quite loudly. I can't let my emotions and feelings destroy our friendship. It's the only good thing in my life.

 


	3. Unintended

**Phil's POV**

"He's probably asleep again" I think as I stand on his doorstep, my foot tapping to the tune of an S club 7 song, the brisk late autumn breeze of november hitting my neck, making my cheeks flush from the cold and my hair messy. I hope Dan doesn't mind. Well if he even opens this door, I'd at least find out if he minded or not. I'm getting cold. Why does the weatherman always lie? Honestly, I'd make a better weather person.

Is he even home? Of course he is, he hardly ever leaves the house, why would he be out on a cold day like today? I guess he's asleep. It's good that he's resting for once. Now, where is it? All I have to do is find where he's hidden the extra key this time.

 

**Dan's POV**

"Shit, shit, shit, shit ,shit" I whisper as I get a glimpse of Phil through the window again. He's here. What am I doing? Who else would it be? The post man? It's 5 pm on a Wednesday night, who the fuck delivers mail at this time at night?! The door. Right. I should go and open the door. Yes. Open the door for your ~~crush~~ ,, I mean _best friend_. That's what I need to do. What the fuck is he doing? Is he trying to find the key again?! When will he learn it's always hidden in the same spot. He's so cute when he's concentrating. I should really open the door though, it looks a bit cold out there. I'm such a bad friend oh my god. I'm leaving him out in the cold. He's going to be mad at me. I don't like to see him mad. He's always happy. WHY AREN'T I OPENING THE FUCKING DOOR! He's probably already seen my standing here, not opening the door. I'm not even downstairs, I'm standing at the top of the stairs while Phil, he's is still trying to find that key! Will he ever learn?

___________________________

It was cold. -15 degrees Celsius to be exact, although the weatherman, who by the way always is 9 out of 10 times wrong thought otherwise. Today he predicted it was going to be _"warmer than usual"_ , what total bullshit. Dan opened the door after about 5 minutes of watching Phil run around his garden looking for the key. It, of course was hanging from a branch in the houseplant Phil bought for him for his birthday. Phil Lester and his houseplants.

___________________________

**Phil's POV**

Oh the warmth of a heated house! My hands were going red at an alarming rate... Dan could hold them for me, make them warm again... But!! That would be extremely awkward. Just sitting on the couch, hand in hand like a sappy romance novel. Not that I wouldn't mind but it all comes down to Dan. He doesn't seem like the kind of person that has relationships. I've known him for a while. He's more isolated. it's his own kind of unique thing. I've never seen him in a relationship since he was dumped by Oliver, his first boyfriend.

"Dan, could you make me a cup of coffee?" I ask as we walk to the living room, shrugging off my backpack and leaving it against the leg of the sofa.

Yes, I work at a coffee shop, but one can never have enough coffee, however it is nice having someone make me coffee rather than me making it myself after a day of providing caffeine to other people. He nods. He hasn't spoken to me yet, although there hasn't really been a reason to yet. I call him back in for a moment to choose what to watch and didn't return to the kitchen.

Dan forgot the coffee.

He suggested for us to watch a tv show but quickly realized that the kettle was making a high pitched ringing noise and that he hadn't noticed for nearly a whole five minutes. I burst out laughing as he tried to turn the oven off quickly, shortly being greeted by a cup of steaming coffee. We settled to watch the new series of Homeland  because I knew how much Dan loved the plot, plus Dan is cute when he gets invested in a tv plot, it's unbelievable.  
  


**Dan's POV**

Finally. I opened the door. I feel so bad for keeping him outside for so long. His cheeks had turned a light shade of pink and his hair what a mess upon that beautiful face of his. When he walked into the house, his face became more relaxed, greeted by the warmth of the heating. I made Phil coffee. Phil loves his coffee. He started drinking it when we were thirteen, although he never touches energy drinks. Phil has always thought of them as the evil brother of coffee. He resembles a child a bit. That's partly why I ~~lov~~ \- like him so much. So tonight we watch Homeland. Fun. I always love myself some dramatic television, plus I can pretend to be distracted in the show so I can curl into Phil's arms.  
  


**Phil's POV**

It's only been 5 minutes and Dan is already huddled under the blankets. This always happens, just not this early on in the episode. Good job it's a Friday because staying up late and going to work the next day? That's a recipe for disaster.

The episode ended and Dan held onto my shirt for half of the show. Curled up on my chest, he looked adorable. Tired, but adorable. Well, he's always adorable. I really should tell him though. I'm leaving so soon and I really don't want to tell him last minute and then disappear. I couldn't do that to him.  
I nudge Dan, not wanting to be too loud as it was approaching midnight. He nodded, burying his face again.

I should tell him.

"Hey Dan" I say.

He nods once again, in place for a "yeah?".

"Can I tell you something ?"  I ask.

"Is this what you were talking about over the phone? The important thing?" He said, shifting off of my shoulder.

I hum a yes in response while pulling the blanket over his back.

He sits up and replies with "sure" but then quickly follows up with a question "Before you tell me, could I tell you something first".

What could he possibly want to tell me that he couldn't have said any other time of the day? Never less, I agree to listen. It's dark, and the tv is on sleep mode. Only a faint, dim light shone through the windows from the street lamps. I can't see Dan. It's too dark and my glasses are on the coffee table.

"Dan?" I ask. Where was he. I felt his hand touch my neck, the other on my knee. His lips pressed against mine and my eyes flickered shut but I had no other time to react before he pulled away.

It was soft, sweet. It felt like I was in a dream.

"I-I like you...um sorry, what did you want to tell me Phil" Dan asked in a low voice.

Fuck. What should do I do now. I can't just say that I'm leaving after that. I don't know what to do.


	4. Butterflies and Hurricanes

**Dan's POV**

I-I can't believe I did that. I kissed him. It's been years, why hadn't I thought of doing that before. My eyes adjust to the darkness after a few seconds. He isn't smiling. He was a minute ago.. 

Wait.  
Is he alright ?

He's red....

Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt him. What if I ruined everything. What if he runs away and forgets about me. What if he leaves me for someone else. What if he's already with someone else? What if he doesn't like me anymore? What if I just singlehandedly destroyed our friendship? oh my god.

"Phil, look at me. Say something. Are you alright" I ask, trying to keep my voice level.

"I'm so sorry" Phil says quietly and I can feel him look away.

What the fuck is he talking about. He shouldn't be sorry. I should be sorry. I'm the one who ruined this. I should be the one apologizing. It's not his fault. I kissed him. I killed our friendship. He won't ever forgive me.

I'm sorry.  
  


**Phil's POV**

What the hell do I say now. I need to tell him but it's not the best time. He fucking kissed me and now I can't tell him.

I have two weeks. I thought I was going to tell him. I thought I would tell him and we would be able to spend time together before I left. Dan would already know that I would have to leave but we would still carry on as usual until the day I left, acting as usual. Now, it's going to be rushed, we will have less time together. It'll be a shock for Dan and then I'll have to leave, just like that. He'll hate me so much. Actual hate for not telling him sooner.

I love him. I have for a while now. I just didn't know how to tell him. It seems I'm pretty bad at telling things to Dan in general. I love him more than I can put into words, but he won't love me back. I know he won't love me back. He kissed me. And I loved it. My heart is racing but after this? He may not want to love me. I'm 25, I am my own person, I don't want to leave, but I have to, I need to be there for my family, but isn't Dan also my family? I'm sure we'll keep talking. Skype as we both know, saves lives. And we will be able to visit each other, it's only a few thousand miles, it's not that far. It's not that far.

"Dan. Hey, I'm alright, don't be worried I'm okay" I say softly. Dan looks worried. Or sad. I have no idea.

"Phil, are you alright. Really? Now what did you want to tell me, before... Y'know, I kissed you..." Dan asked.

I don't want to tell him. Not now, not after this. It's not the right place. It's not the right time. But he wants to know, and I want to be honest with him, I always have but it'll ruin whatever we have going right now. But if not now, then when? I planned to tell him tonight and I don't know when I'll see him next.

"Phil? Hey Phil, have you zoned out?? Phil. PHIL. Come on, what did you want to say?" Dan said, he was probably questioning why I looked slightly distant.

"Oh that? It's nothing, don't you worry about it. It's nothing important, it was just a silly thing, it's nothing, really." I tried to say without hinting sadness. I didn't  want to lie to him but he was my best friend I couldn't hurt him.

"You're always silly Phil, it's who you are," Dan tells me. " now come on, it's not going to be that bad, just tell me, everything will be ok. It's not like your leaving. It's not like I'm never going to see you again is it?"

shit. well he basically just guessed the problem at hand, so I might as well tell him. Get it over with. He'll understand, so why am I so worried about it.

"Promise me that what I say in the next few minutes, promise me that you will take it well, that you won't blame yourself for it, anything like that okay" I say, looking at Dan, both of us holding eye contact.

I hear a simple "yes" from Dan. It's now or never. This time would come sooner than later and I knew I had to tell him, I planned it out before I came here, but my mind is now blank like a sheet of paper.

"Dan. I'm moving."

"Phil, what the hell does that mean? Is it a metaphor or some shit like that?" I hear him reply.

Great, Dan's angry at me. I shouldn't have said anything at all.

"It means that I'm leaving. You were right. You just said "it's not like I'm leaving". You guessed it, took the words straight from my mouth. I'm seeing my dad and I know he despises you and our friendship but its something i need to do. I have to go Dan. I'm sorry, but he's sick and I'm sorry I didn't tell you any sooner but i had no idea how. And I have 2 weeks until I leave and I know I left it last minute but I didn't want you to be sad. You're strong and l know you'll make it through this but I can't be here to help as much anymore."

I'm know making things worse with every word i speak. I can't help it. I just can't , I can't put it into proper words. I can't change what's going to result in the words I'm saying. They can change my future. What I say now can change who I will become. And what I'm saying now? Well I'm messing it all up.

"I'm so sorry. Dan, I love you more than you know and it breaks my heart to say it. I'm so sorry. I don't know when I'll be able to see you again after those weeks are up, I don't know if or when I'll be able to be with you again, I just don't know" I say with tears in my eyes.

I didn't think it would be this emotional, yet it was. I didn't think that i would've made it such a big deal, but it was big . I didn't know that it would hurt Dan so much, but it did. I look over at him, my best friend, Dan Howell and I see a tear roll down his cheek. Then another. And another. He was crying and this time it was my fault.  
  


**Dan's POV**

Phil hasn't brought It up yet. The kiss. The thing he wanted to tell me before. He said he's alright but he doesn't look like he is. He looks like he's having an internal battle with himself, but over what? He looks like he's in another one of his worlds again. Right now isn't really the time. Did I scare him with that kiss ? I've waited months and finally after I gathered the courage, this happens. Great.

"Phil? Hey Phil, have you zoned out?? Phil. PHIL. Come on, what did you want to say" I say, snapping my fingers in front of his face. He needs to snap out of this I want to talk to him.

He replies with the usual, - don't worry, it's just stupid, something silly- line he uses but this time I don't think it is.

"You're always silly Phil, it's who you are, now come on, it's not going to be that bad, just tell me, everything will be ok. It's not like your leaving. It's not like I'm never going to see you again is it?" I'm trying to make him laugh. His laugh makes me smile but he doesn't even make a noise.

What's wrong with him? Did I break Phil. What if he's homophobic. What if he's just trying not to be rude.

"Promise me that what I say in the next few minutes, promise me that you will take it well, that you won't blame yourself for it, anything like that okay" Phil tells me, looking at me, his greenish blue eyes looking into my boring brown eyes. I swear, it's like he's trying to reassure me of something.

I reply with a simple "yes". And knowing Phil, that would be enough.

"Dan. I'm moving"

What. Phil has been here since we were kids. He's always been here to help. What the fuck does that mean. Does it mean that he's telling me I need to grow up? That I should be able to live on my own. Am I too negative for him? Is he cutting ties with me, just like my mother probably did?

"It means that I'm leaving. You were right. You just said "it's not like I'm leaving". You guessed it, took the words straight from my mouth."  He's leaving me. He's fucking leaving me.

He's the only one who gives a shit about me anymore and he's leaving me. Why. Does he care about me? Is he leaving me behind? Is he travelling with someone else? He has a girlfriend or a boyfriend and he didn't tell me and I just went and kissed him. Well now I've definitely made things worse.

"I'm seeing my dad and I know he despises you and our friendship but its something i need to do. I have to go Dan. I'm sorry, but he's sick and I'm sorry I didn't tell you any sooner but i had no idea how. And I have 2 weeks until I leave and I know I left it last minute but I didn't want you to be sad. You're strong and l know you'll make it through this but I can't be here to help as much anymore."

Phil is talking quickly but I hear all the words. That piece of shit. Not Phil, but his dad. He lives in America now? Well thank you very much but no thank you.

Phil's dad never really liked me. He always would take Phil away when we played together. And now he's taking him away from again but this time I don't know for how long?

"I'm so sorry. Dan, I love you more than you know and it breaks my heart to say it. I'm so sorry. I don't know when I'll be able to see you again after those weeks are up, I don't know if or when I'll be able to be with you again, I just don't know" Phil finishes, trailing off to an end. I'm crying but I'm trying to hide it. Phil loves me. He said he loves me, but sometimes as it's said, if you love something you have to let it go, and if it loves you back it'll come back to you. But this is his dad he's talking about. We both know he won't let Phil see me again. So we have 14 days. 14 days. We can make this work. We will make this work. Somehow.

Phil is crying too. We are both crying now but who wouldn't be? I haven't seen Phil cry from sadness in years and now the reason is because of me, he doesn't want to leave me. And I don't want to see him go. How ironic.

"Phil" I say sobbing into the sleeve of my jumper. And I look up through my messy unwashed hair and see Phil sitting in front of me, reaching out. "Love, come here. I love you too." I joke trying to lift the mood. And this time, instead of Phil holding me when I cried, we held each other and cried ourselves until we fell asleep, midnight , as the clock ticked down.

13 days, 23 hours, 59 minutes.


	5. Bliss

**Phil's POV**

_"I hate you, I'm glad you're leaving" Dan yells at me, tears seem to be streaming down my face, but he didn't care. He had never cared. He didn't want me to be there, he didn't want me to be there at all, he wanted me out of his life but I wanted to be with him. He threatened me, if i ever saw him again, he would hurt me. I loved him but it was all a joke for him. It was all a game._  
  
I shudder, suddenly waking up. I'm sweating. badly. It was just another bad dream. I've been having them a lot recently. I reach over my own head to check my phone. It's nearly 5:30 in the morning. I could choose to stay awake and watch the sunrise but I'd rather just go back to sleep. I attempt to roll over but a hand is around my waist. I'm not in a bed. I'm not even in my own house. I'm on Dan's sofa. His arms around my waist, his face inches from mine. He's warm. He's peaceful.

I tucked a piece of his messy hair behind his ear, kissed his forehead and rested my head into the crook of his neck like I was doing before I woke from my nightmare. Dan's here and he's mine. For now at least. It felt real and everything, for a moment seemed alright. And I could swear as I closed my eyes, I saw Dan smile.

 _13 days 18 hours, 34 minutes_  


**Dan's POV**

I feel a shuffling next to me. What the hell. What could it be. I'm still half asleep. It's not my dog, he died years ago. I open my eyes to see Phil nestled in the blankets, his head lying on my chest and his forehead sweating. He's also moving quite a lot, it's probably not normal, I hope he's alright. His face isn't calm like it normally is when he sleeps. He looks distressed. It's like he's having a nightmare.

The events of last night flood back into my head. The kiss. The news. The confession. The crying. He's having a nightmare about that. About me? It's almost enough to make me start crying again.

He's shaking. I pretend I'm asleep again. It would be weird if he woke up to see me staring at him. I close my eyes, now depending on my ears to hear what he's doing. He seems to have realized he fell asleep in my arms like I had a few moments before, because now he's touching my hand that's tucked around his body.

He takes his hand and tucks the piece of hair that fell onto my face as I slept, behind my ear. He is unimaginably cute. And I feel his lips touch my forehead, only for a few seconds. Softly settling back down afterwards. I love that man so much. His head close to my chest, holding onto my shirt, probably feeling my heart beat faster, and I smile. Because he loves me too.

___________

Light streamed through the windows, illuminating the dust floating around the living room. It was 10 am. After both falling back to sleep, it wasn't an unusual time to wake up on a Saturday morning. But both of them were surely awake, waiting for the other one to show a sign of being awake, staying still to make sure they wouldn't wake each other. And so they waited half an hour until Dan accidentally gave himself away.

 

**Phil's POV**

"I want to check my phone. I want to check my phone. I want to check my phone, what time is it" is all that's going round in my head. It's not that late and it's a Saturday anyway, it doesn't really matter but I want to check my phone. I can't though. It'll wake Dan up and honestly, Dan needs the most sleep he can get. So I'll just lay here.

I look up. it's light enough outside so I can see his whole face instead of the faint outline from this morning. And I want to cry. Out of all the years of being the best of friends and finally him admitting to love me, I have to go. If I had told him before, we could've slept like this every night. We could've been this close for so much longer.

  
_Flashback_

 

Hey Dan" Phil asked Dan, both sat on a swing set in Dan's backyard, their legs dangling and touching the grassy floor of the yard.

"Yeah?" Dan replied pushing off the ground and swinging his legs to swing himself higher.

They had both run to Dan's house after school, Dan always waiting for Phil, who mostly all of the time got in trouble for getting off topic in class. A 7 and 10 year old. Best friends.

"Do you think we will be best friends forever and ever?" Phil asked, eyes focused on the swinging Dan, Back and forth, back and forth. Phil decided to join him, swinging their legs pushing themselves higher into the air.

"Of course" Dan laughed, looking over at his friend catching up to his swinging pace. "I want it to be more than forever"

 

**Dan's POV**

I need to sneeze. It's either sneeze and wake Phil up, or hold it and risk dying of suffocation. Fuck it, I'll just die, Phil should sleep, he has a lot on his mind and he looks more at peace now. Shit, shit, shit I need to sneeze. I'm so sorry Phil.

"achoo" I try to muffle the sound but that doesn't stop Phil from opening his eyes and looking up at me. My face went red,, I'm blushing. I hardly blush ever?! How long has he been up already? Has he just been lying there waiting for me to wake up? How long has he even been awake? Oh my god he's blushing too. What do I do. How do I deal with this? I have no idea, he's the older one, Phil come on do something...

He's doing nothing. He's just looking at me. Moving his eyes over my face. So I decide. 13 days left? We have to make the most of them then.

I prop myself onto my elbow, Phil still looking at my face, probably wondering what I was doing. What's wrong with getting comfortable? It's just a matter of timing now.  
Phil is blinking here's my chance.

I kiss him, quicker than I did last night. I could see him now, it wasn't the dark of night. Besides, it was hardly anything last night. Just a nice way to wake up, and I quickly look away.

"Good morning" I say quietly.  
But I get no reply and Phil takes it differently.

It's late enough already, so I decide, why don't we get up? Do something with the day? But Phil, well he decided otherwise, swiftly wrapping his hands around my neck, pulling me back down to the sofa, now hovering over me as a lay, my back pressed to the cushions. My arms naturally holding his waist like they had when we slept.

Phil's face was a mere few centimeters away from mine again and I noticed his eyes, as pretty as the sea, his hair; tossed and knotted from sleeping on the sofa and his freckles scattered over that pale skin of his. This was new to both of us, especially him. I didn't know he was even into guys until yesterday, but he was in control and it seemed he knew what he was up to. Phil's lips touched mine and the warmth of different emotions that he was silently giving off sent a current through my body. I would miss him so much. Yesterday I was unimaginably sad and now I feel alive but the question is, for how long?

 

**Phil's POV**

When will this boy wake up. It's been god knows how long. I forgot how heavy a sleeper he is but I've been laying here for at least twenty minutes and it's probably later than I usually wake up on weekends already.

"achoo" I hear. Dan. He's awake. Well that means I can move. I open my eyes and see Dan's face looking directly back at mine. His face is red, covered in an adorable blush. He's probably embarrassed. He's too cute. It's bright outside, what's the time? Finally I check my phone. 10:37 am, it's not that late in the morning. I look back at Dan. He's adorable. I imagine a world were we could stay like this forever. Looking at each other. No responsibilities, just each other.

I must have zoned out because the next time I focused on Dan's face, it looked like he was concentrating on me. I realise, I haven't said anything, but Dan's looking at me. Are we having a staring contest? Fine, but I have to get my eyes prepared. I close my eyes. I'm going to win this contest if it's the last thing I ever do.

But instead of opening my eyes to compete in a staring contest, I feel Dan's lips brush mine and then abruptly leave once again. I open my eyes to see Dan's face turning bright pink again and he turns his face away and says "good morning."

He turns to get up. Not yet, I can't let him go yet. He's changed my mind and honestly I think it's for the better. If I have to go, then I'm spending as much time as I can with him. I grab wrap my arms around his neck and pull him back onto the sofa, climbing on top of him so he can't get up and he's blushing once again. He's looking around at my face but I can notice three things. I see his eyes, although brown are shining and for once don't look as sad. I notice his dimples, cute and always there when he smiles and I finally notice his mouth. Not fully closed but just the slightest bit open, with shallow breaths and raw pink lips from biting down in nervousness.

I feel him shiver, I forgot how sensitive his neck is, but he probably doesn't mind. Not now. I lean in and touch my lips to his. I love him so much. And then it hits me. The actual fact that I would have to leave this all behind. That this wouldn't last forever. That sooner or later we would have to say goodbye and that all good things would come to an end. That the happiness in Dan's eyes would fade. I fuel this emotion into the kiss and I can tell Dan can feel it too as he responds with the same emotion. He moves his hands from his waist to my hair, running his hands through it, tugging it at the roots. We part, breathing heavily. laying next to one another we just laugh and stare at each other.

I love my best friend.

Just yesterday I thought of him as that name in my head, but it has so much more significance now. Good things always come to an end but for now, right here, right now, I'm with Dan.

___________________________

The sun rises and the moon falls. 11:04 am. The clocks counts down and the ticking seems quicker. Time is running out and the end is closer. And when the sand has fallen through the hourglass and it's time to say goodbye, they would've wished they could've spent more time together. However they can't bring back lost time and they can't live in the past. So they must savour the days they have left because it may be a long time until they cross paths again.

13 days, 12 hours, 56 minutes.  
That's a long enough time isn't it ? Well it probably is.  
But is it?


	6. Micro Cuts

They both didn't move from Dan's house and the Saturday and Sunday was spent staying by each other's side, kissing, having pillow fights, and watching movies after movie, like they used to as kids. But good things always have to end and then came Monday and it was once again the week. Phil's last week working in the UK. Phil had to go back home on Sunday night, leaving Dan alone again, with more sadness in his mind than ever before. Phil not being there to distract him from the bad, he fell asleep, not wanting to wake up again, as the happiness he had felt that weekend faded away into nightmares once again.

**Dan's POV**

It's Tuesday. Phil's been working and packing and is too busy to come round and talk. It's like nothing has changed. It's like he's not putting in any effort to see me before he gone. He's always saying he's too busy and it feels like he is trying to forget what happened. I gave him my heart and he has taken it and run away. He's leading me on to something that will have to end.

I woke up this morning to a nightmare where he wasn't here anymore. That something had happened to him in America and I didn't know, no one would tell me and I would never see him again. I rolled over to not seeing him lying next to me and for a second I thought the dream was real and that he was actually gone.

He leaves me messages over the phone when he has his breaks and I've dropped by the coffee shop maybe twice in the past three days to see his face but he's always too busy to say hi. Phil would always go out of his way to make sure I wouldn't be left out but now I'm going to be more alone than I ever have been in my life and I don't think I can live without someone keeping me together.

I think I'm going to keep a journal. I've heard that they help you gather your feelings in one place although it all seems like complete bullshit to me. If I decide to actually leave my house, I'll go but one but for now I'll continue taking to myself.

\-------7 pm -------

So I actually went out to buy that journal. I needed the fresh air anyway. Now beginnings... I hate introducing myself but where else would I start.

"Hello,  
well, My name is Daniel Howell although the one friend that I have calls me Dan for short. I don't have friends, I don't like the dark and I don't like being alone. I'm bisexual and I've never been in more than one proper relationship before. I like the colour black but I really like light purple and pink. I enjoy gardening because it keeps me calm but I hate getting my feet wet. I suppose I keep a lot of secrets but that's only because I don't want people to get worried about me. I don't want to make people's days worse with the problems that I have, and anyways, who would actually care about them? I think about dying , death, why I was born, nearly every night and I wonder about why I'm alive. Why I exist. Why life has to be so mean. But when I don't think about that I think about Phil.

Phil. I should point out that the majority of this journal will be about him. It's not my fault, he just takes over my life like a wave of happiness.  
He is my literal sunshine when I feel cold and dark. He gives happiness when he's around me. 

And I love him. 

What I just wrote, those are the most important 4 words I think this book will ever contain. I love him. I love my tall nerdy best friend. I love how his tongue pokes out through his teeth when he's really happy. I live for the moments when he achieves something worthwhile and hugs me with joy. I love how he stumbles with words when he blushes and trips over his own feet when we dance to songs. I love his eyes when they glow and his lips after a kiss. I love his hands that fit perfectly into mine and his hair, as soft as a feather. But I love Phil and I haven't told him any of this. I love Phil and he said he loves me too."

I end writing there because what could top me talking about Phil ? My life seems revolved around him. The love for him, the sadness because he has to go. My life depends on Phil and what happens when he leaves? It would be like if the sun disappeared from the solar system. The planets wouldn't have anything to revolve around anymore and everything would spin out of control. It's too much to think about. And it's not that close. I have plenty of time. But for now I'm going to sleep.

11 days 5 hours 21 minutes  
_______________________________

Phil's POV

I am the worst person in the world. I feel like I'm separating myself from Dan, which is the exact opposite of what I want to do. I want to tell him it will all be okay. I saw him come to the coffee shop yesterday and I turned my back to him because I didn't want to see his face. It would remind me of the fact that soon I wouldn't be able to see it up close anymore. It's stupid. I should be spending the most time I can with him, not avoiding him. I should be trying to plan a way to keep in touch with him instead of cutting contact. I can't sleep because of it. It's 11 pm, another day just gone by like that. Another day gone not spent with Dan, another day I won't get back. And I fall asleep with the thought of me turning away at the airport, seeing Dan's face for the last time before I go through security, to the plane.

____________________________

The next day passes. A rainy Wednesday morning that then moves on into the afternoon. Dan twisting and turning still in bed, only leaving his room to get coffee, use the washroom or get a snack. Writing sentences in that journal of his.

(Self harm tw. ~~~~ when over)

"I can't hold on if your hand is not in mine" and "you're face won't be the same when we are thousands of miles away" are just two of the sentences Dan had written out of the many on the page. Wasting his day away, letting his emotions take over but his emotions weren't always a good thing. He left his room for a completely different reason. For a purpose . If Phil wasn't around, this would happen. His life would go dark without his sun. He had been clean for too long. Over a week and a half. Too long.

Dan opened the bathroom cabinet and smiled. It was too long since he saw his little velvet box, once used for his mother's engagement ring. But in this box there was no ring, there were three shiny razors set in a row. Selecting one, he held it to the light, the light reflecting off the surface, bouncing and hitting the marble counter. And with a swift motion, the blade hit his flesh and then another and another. Again and again, the blood flooding from the open wounds. And Dan felt better again, watching his blood splash in the sink, mixing with the water, disappearing down the drain. A metaphor for his life. Cleaning the cuts, he bandaged his arm up and went back to bed, not bothering to clean the sink, the blood drying to the counter top as he fell asleep into the next day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
______________________________

Dan's POV

It's Thursday evening and I  just woke up. What a waste of another day. Another day lost to the night. Another day I can't get back. And to make things worse my arm is fucking killing me. I wish it actually did. Dying would make me forget about him having to go. But he would be sad. He would be angry and annoyed at me. I couldn't do that to him.

It's already 9:30 pm he's not going to come around and see me today, so what's the point. And without eating, I replace the bandages and I try to fall back asleep, the only way I can pretend to be dead while still being alive. But instead of sleeping, I cry, and I can't seem to stop.

_________________________________

Phil's POV

Another day of work. It seems like my boss is making me work harder but I only have one day left now, which is good, but the countdown is getting less and less.

I've decided to surprise him. I feel so bad, having to put my life in front of Dan's for just a few days but it doesn't seem like he really minds. So my surprise? I'm going to live the rest of my time in the UK with him if he'll let me. I shipped all of my belongings to America yesterday afternoon and my apartment is completely empty except for my two suitcases and my backpack. So I call a cab to take me to his house.

It's 9 at night, it's not that late, he'll probably be watching tv or something. At least I know where he puts the spare key. In my houseplant, how very sentimental. I pay the cab driver and he takes my suitcases out the back. The only problem now is that I need to make no noise on the stone path to his door.

I make it to the porch. Finding the key with my phone flashlight, I slowly open the door, not wanting to alarm him if he was downstairs. I bring my bags in quietly and proceed to lock the door again. All the downstairs lights are off. I look in the living room. He's not there. Kitchen? Not there. Garden? Not there. He's probably in his room.

I walk up the stairs to hear the sound of a tap running. Ok he's in the washroom, I'll just wait outside for him. But the tap kept running on and on, was there something wrong? Was he even in there at all? The door was slightly open, it wouldn't hurt if I went in. Pushing the door open slowly, it quickly dawned upon me that Dan wasn't there. But what I saw was worse.

tw ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A black box sat on the counter, half open, razors sitting inside, neatly side by side. Blood stained bandages off to the side, dried blood on the white marble. Why is he doing this to himself, he always was the nice, shy but confident boy I knew as a kid. He didn't tell me about any of this, I thought he was alright. And it's probably because of me.

I turn the tap off, but the house isn't silent. It's Dan, and he's in his room. I walk to his door and put my ear to his door. He's crying. I open it. All the lights are off but one, his bedside lamp is on and his eyes are puffy. I never liked it when he cried. Dan opens his eyes and sees me and starts crying even more. I go over to him, deciding to lie next to him, telling him that everything will be alright. I move over, kiss his head, attempt to calm him down by giving him a hug but instead he screams in pain. I've just grabbed his arm unknowingly, obliviously and the new wounds he created started bleeding again, right into the palms of my hand. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

  
8 days, 1 hour, 17 minutes


	7. Save Me

Dan's POV

He's never going to come back I whisper through my tears, my pillow now soaked from crying. The light of passing cars shine through my window every few seconds, illuminating my face slightly. And I'm curled in a ball covered in the sheets.  
He's not going to come back. I know it, it's his way of saying goodbye, not actually saying it, just leaving without a final farewell. I'm not worth it anyway. I'm not worth anyone's time.

So I cry again. And I can't stop. Pausing to take deep breaths but still crying into my pillow, my arm aching from the cuts as I hold my sheets tightly around me, soft sobs escaping. And then it's silent. I catch my breath. 

I left the tap running. shit. Another thing to worry about, the water bill. It's already going to get worse, what use is it to try to make things better.

But I catch my breath again and it's silent. No noise. The tap isn't running. My door creaks open and I close my eyes. Someone is in my house. I'm going to die, right here, right now and I never said goodbye to him. I hear the person get closer. This is it. I open my eyes but instead of them meeting a psycho killer, I see Phil. He came to see me after all. But he's crying too. His face is wet with tears. He saw the blood. no.

He lies next to me and wraps his arms around me but he makes the mistake of grabbing my arm. The arm with the bandage and I start crying again, not stopping as I feel the cuts reopen.

"I'm so sorry, I'm so so sorry" I hear Phil whisper over and over, looking scared and worried, trying to get me to move so he could see my arm. But I move it away. It had been because of him. I knew he wouldn't ever want to hurt me, but it was too much.

I walk out of the room, Phil following me a few seconds later. I need to see how bad my arm is. It's hurting so fucking much.

Well at least the bleeding isn't as bad as I thought it would be. I thought cleaning the blood up and applying new bandages. In my mirror I see Phil staring at me, with tears in his eyes, his vision surely blurred, taking a look away and then looking back at me and now there isn't the look of worry on his face but the look of regret. Like he was blaming himself. It really wasn't, I'm just not strong enough.

And he says something but I only got the last few words, "- too beautiful for this. Why?" But before I could answer there was a thud. Phil had fallen to the floor and his body was limp, almost dead like. Unresponsive. And I was alone again, even with Phil next to me, he wasn't here. He wasn't with me. I lifted him back to my room and lay him on my bed. I lay my head on his chest like I did that past weekend, probably one of the best weekends of my life. He would wake up soon right ?

But he didn't for quite some time. Phil slept through the whole next day while I just stayed by his side making sure that he was ok, writing in my journal.

Dear whatever,  
There's less than 8 days left. I have a countdown on my phone. I check it every half an hour but because I have nothing to do it seems like I check it every ten seconds. Phil? he's here in my arms. He's with me. I thought he was avoiding me but he actually cared. He wanted me to be ok, he loves me that much that he actually was scared for me. I don't think that's ever happened to me before. It makes me love him even more. But I shouldn't be loving him if he has to go.

I don't bother writing a conclusion. Conclusions mean an end and I never want anything to end, especially anything to do with Phil. I rip it out and throw it to the floor, it's not important anyway.

when he eventually wakes up, it's Saturday, in the early hours of the morning and I had been asleep and missed it.

I woke up that morning to Phil stroking my hair, awake and okay. He wasn't dead. He was warm and alive. Conscious and living. And he was here. He was actually here, and although my arm still hurt, I hugged him the strongest I could.

Phil is my anchor. He keeps me grounded. He keeps me from floating away like a balloon at an amusement park. But my alarm went off. It was just past 11 am. Time for me to live.

_______________________________

Phil's POV

Oh my god. I've grabbed his arm. I - I didn't realize.

"I'm so sorry, I'm so so sorry" I can't stop apologizing. It's a mess. Dan's crying again, worse than before, blood is seeping through the bandage staining the bad but also my hand. I am still holding his arm. I'm so sorry. Dan pulls his arm away and rushes out the room, into the light-less of the hallway lights.  
I follow him out of curiosity but mostly concern, he doesn't deserve any of this. He's perfect, he's beautiful. He's worth everything.

He's in the bathroom again. I nudge the door open, not wanting to get into his personal space, I look in from the door frame, and I see his red blotches face look down at his arm, covered in blood, but he doesn't look as surprised at the situation. It's almost as its second nature, like its normal, like he's gone through this all before. He cleans the cuts and puts clean bandages but I look back up to his face and all I can think of is the boy I knew as a kid. As the teenager that I fell in love with for the first time all those years ago. Not as this, not as the boy who is so hurt that this ends up happening. It shouldn't happen to anyone, especially Dan.

"I love you so much why are doing this to yourself. You're too amazing, too beautiful. Why?" I quietly say but as I trail off the last of the sentence, I see Dan holding one of the razors, putting them back in their neat order in his little box. After that everything went black.

__________________________  
{next day}

It's dark outside and it's pretty cold. I have woken up back in Dan's bed but with no recollection of how I got here. Dan must've brought me here. I hate this part of the year. The transition between Autumn and winter. Those awful few weeks in October and November. I wrap myself in a blanket and put my hand in Dan's. He's lying on a book. Dan is always reading his books. I pick it up. It's leather bound. A notebook. And on the first page, all that is printed is: Dan Howell - Proof I Am Alive. It's a journal.

Not wanting to invade his privacy, I don't read his entries but I open it to the second last page. A page nobody would think of checking. And I write him something. A note like thing. Just a little thing to make him remember me. I close it back up and put it on his bedside table. Looking down at Dan again, I fall back asleep.

That morning I woke up again, this time at 10:54 in the morning, Dan still fast asleep, head resting on my chest, I bring my hand up to stroke his hair. Soft and Fluffy. I play with his hair until he wakes up, and he smiles, not crying anymore, looking happy that i am actually here in person. And without a warning he hugs me. Not a "hey how are you" hug but a "please don't leave me" kind of hug. A hug that uses no words but says everything you want to say. And I hug back, feeling his hair brush against my neck, my chin resting on his shoulder.

Dan's alarm went off a minute later indicating the date and time. It was a Saturday. I was out for a day!? And I missed my last day of work!?! Oh no, It's 11:03 am. Not long left but that's okay, at least well be together.

6 days, 12 hours, 57 minutes


	8. Guiding Light

6 days, 12 hours, 57 minutes  
___________________________

Dan's POV

We did nothing. We spent the day sitting in my room, listening to music, drawing, writing, even playing Phil some piano. We talked about the past, because the future was too scary to think about. He then made me play just dance with him, and I won. But the nagging information was still in my head, less than a week left. This time next week he'll be gone. He'll be thousands of miles away for whoever knows how long.

I'm okay. I'm actually ok. I'm not feeling shitty for once. And I eat. I actually eat a meal. We ordered pizza. We hadn't done this in ages, eaten pizza together. We always planned it but we never did. Phil ordering his "extra barbecue meat supreme" as he calls it, while I ordered just a normal cheese pizza. Nothing special.

We played rockband, Phil obviously singing as I played the drums and after a while we got tired and resorted to scrolling down tumblr, my head resting on his lap. And when we got tired we went back to my room and continued browsing the Internet.

Phil's work was finally over so he had the rest of the week with me. Good. Saturday was over as quick as it started and we fell asleep in my bed again. I could get used to this. I shouldn't, I'll miss it too much when he's gone, but Phil says live in the moment, and he's right, we won't have this time back if we waste it.

___________________________

"Live in the moment" they said, and they did. They spent their Sunday walking around London. Spending their morning at the old bowling alley in Camden where they had both worked at as teenagers. Going to a diner in the west end and sharing a milkshake at lunch. And finally ending the night on a ride on the London eye.

It was a calmer night. Not many people were at southbank for a Sunday night. And Phil had something planned. They both stepped onto the platform, two other strangers joining the ride with them. They weren't important. The slow hour ride around the wheel got them to think. One hour being lost as they were stuck in this little glass room in the sky. But they were together and that's all they needed.  
____________________________

Phil's POV

I forgot how beautiful the world can be when you sit and just watch, especially next to someone who has made you see how amazing the world really is. I have one more surprise for Dan but he'll have to wait until we get to the top, only fifteen more minutes.

I look out of the compartment, my eyes meeting the lights of the tall office buildings that glowed from the workers staying up late. People rushing down the streets, the reflections of the city lights in the Thames. The strobe lights and the flickering headlight from crossing cars flashing off of Dan's eyes.

Dan. Maybe, just maybe I could find an excuse to be back soon. Maybe even a way to not go at all. Just stay behind and live with him like we had always planned. But hope is a false sense of security; I can't hope for the best, i know it won't even happen anyway. I'll have to leave no matter what, if my father was already dead everything would have been fine.

I have a few minutes left. It's not even a big deal, it's just a stupid thing, but I know we'll have fun. It's our favourite thing.

"Hey Dan?" I ask as we approach the very summit of the ride.

He turns to me, snapping out of his own little world, wiping a tear away from an eye. He shouldn't be crying but I understand him, I want to cry too. I don't want to go.

"Yeah" he said, not wanting to disturb the other couple on the other side of the compartment.

"So you know how I'm going soon", I try to say without choking on my words. I fail. He nods, wanting me to continue.

"Well, as you couldn't get tickets to the muse concert on Thursday two days before I leave, I bought two instead. And I think um that it would be cool if you could come with me, like onadateorsomething??? It's just an idea um that's ok if you don't want to it's ok i understand if you don't."

I can tell my face is going red. And Dan, his face? He's shocked.

"What" he simply says.

What? That's the reply I get? Wow I knew it wouldn't work.

"um well I said would you like to go to the muse concert with me, like a date um yeah?" I say, hiding my face by covering it with my hands.

I am surprised by a hug. Dan launching himself at me, almost knocking me over off of the bench to the floor. This drawing attention to us, the couple looked over at us and smiled, soon turning back to continue their conversation.

Dan was crying. But happy crying. The smile on his face made me forget the sadness that would hit me in the next few days, but only for a few seconds. A few seconds is better than none at all though.

We sat there together, linking arms until the ride finished and we walked through the streets of London, just past midnight, together and for once we were living in the moment.

When we got home, it was well past midnight, almost one even so we settled beneath his bedsheets, his breathing becoming slower and more shallow, his arm on my stomach. And before I fell asleep, he kissed my cheek and whispered in my ear, I'll remember what he said in the morning.  
____________________________

Dan's POV

How. How am I going to live without him. I look at all he people walking down the street. They all have lives. They all have jobs and families and friends and people who care about them. And then there's me who soon enough won't have anyone.I start zoning out, but I hear me name.

"Hey Dan?", Phil says. Putting his hand on my shoulder. I turn to him.

"Yeah?" I say quietly.

"So you know how I'm going soon?" Yes. Yes I do know that. It's all I've been thinking about for the past week. What else would it be. I nod, not wanting to take away from his train of thought.

"Well, as you couldn't get tickets to the muse concert on Thursday, Two days before I go, I got two instead. And I think um that it would be cool if you could come with me, like onadateorsomething??? It's just an idea um that's ok if you don't want to it's ok i understand if you don't"

What. That was just a jumble for words. I could have misinterpreted it. Did he just say on a date in that sentence. And muse. Oh my god.

"What" I say. It can't be real. I probably just heard him wrong.

"um well I said would you like to go to the muse concert with me, like a date um yeah"

Phil Lester has asked me on a date. A proper date. To a muse concert. Oh my god. Oh my god. I love him so much. I love him. I love Phil. And oh look, I'm crying. And I'm smiling the biggest smile I have in a while. I love him so much. I can't let him go. I can't. And so the first thing that comes to my mind is "I can't let him go."

I tackle him with a hug. This is the only way I can not let him go. I want to be in his arms forever. I can't let him go.

We stayed like that for the rest of the 20 minutes until the wheel let us off at the end of the rotation. It was chilly again but what would you expect at midnight in early November?

I check my phone as we walk to the door of my house. 12:41 am. Another day gone, but at least it wasn't a waste. We decide it would be best to get a good sleep, seize the day tomorrow and not waste time.

We buried ourselves under the blankets and I could hear Phil's heart beat, his breaths getting softer. I lay my head next to his. He's most likely asleep. I kiss his cheek, and before I fall victim to sleep, I whisper in his ear.

"I love you. please, don't forget me"

___________________________

4 days, 23 hours 19 minutes 


	9. Can't Take My Eyes Off You

previously

4 days, 23 hours 19 minutes

___________________________

Phil's POV

"I love you, please don't forget about me." Did I hear him right? It was all that I dreamed about. Please don't forget about me. Echoing in my mind. He wouldn't have said that would he. He's not afraid that I'll forget him. is he?

I wake up, it's 8:20 am on a Monday. My last week. Just under 5 days. Dan is fast asleep though. If I let him sleep, we'll have less time. If I wake him up he'll be tired. So I decide to make breakfast for the two of us. Waffles. My favourite.

I go into his kitchen. He always has the ingredients to make waffles. I hope I don't wake him with the smell. It's supposed to be a surprise. Trying to be as quiet and subtle as I could, I actually made waffles and coffee, grabbing handfuls of Dan's cereal to eat in the process of making them.

Being the clumsy person that I am, I nearly dropped the food twice when walking up the stairs. But I didn't. I should get an award for that. Dan Howell and his weird stairs that nearly kill me every time I walk up them.

I push the door open with my foot, hoping he didn't wake up. He wasn't awake. Great. I set up the tray I opened the windows. Dusty. He never opens them, that explains it. Navigating myself through his room to his bed take an actual effort. Clothes thrown everywhere, papers littering the floors, pictures fallen off the walls.

I'll let him sleep, I say again, covering our food for later. Picking up his shirts, I figure out most of them were never even worn, hanging up at least half of them and putting the rest in the laundry bin. Working my way from one corner of the room to the other, I found crumpled pieces of paper everywhere. Putting them in a pile, I continued cleaning. If get back to them later.

Surprisingly, Dan was still fast asleep, nestled in the duvet at 11 am.

seize the day Dan! Come on! But still no waking up, he's always been like this. Some things never change.

Dan's clothes were now tidied and the photos off the wall were stacked on his now tidy desk. His room was the cleanest I've seen it in ages with a little help from me.

midday. another twelve hours gone. great.

I see a movement from the corner of me eye. Dan's hand reached out from the duvet. Was he looking for me. He was. He sat up, awake and alert. Looking for me. Dan was looking for me, and I was here reaching back. I was here for him now.

I let go and turn to his bedside table, grabbing the now basically cold waffles and putting them on his lap. Dan took off the tin foil and smiled.

"Thank you" I hear, seeing a genuine smile. Getting the plates, we eat our late breakfast.

4 days 12 hours 46 minutes  
___________________________

Dan's POV

Why is it that whenever things start going okay in my life, the one time I feel happy, everything turns to shit. Three days, all of my dreams will turn to nightmares again. My hopes and plans for the both of us, destroyed. Why does this always happen to me. I swear, it only happens to me. My mother? Gone. And now Phil. It's like www the universe hates me or something. I bet that's it, the universe hates me. It has made me fall in love with the one person that makes me happy and now the universe has to take him away from me.

I am awake but I don't know what time it is and I don't want to wake up, I want to turn back time and re live the moments we didn't take notice of. The little things like the adventures we took as kids in backyard, the egg hunts we went on on Easter, our sleepovers where we never actually slept and the simple walking home after school. Those are the days that I miss. My mom was still here, I was happy, I wasn't me, I was the old me.

I reach my arm out. He's not here. Phil? Was it all a dream. I sat up and I saw my room. It was tidy, and in the middle standing there was Phil, his hair messy with bed hair and he reached back.

He let go and placed something on my lap. I looked down and sitting there was a tray. Waffles. Phil's favourite. That nerd, it was an excuse to eat waffles. I love him, and his cooking. I don't realise I'm smiling as big as I was but I looked up at him and I could see the happiness on his face too.

"Thank you" I say, genuinely thankful for what he has done for me not just today but for the whole time we've known each other. Now all I need to do is top the surprise of breakfast. And all I do while we eat is plan a way to surprise Phil back.

-5 hours later-

Phil went out to get food and for once, I'm happy when he's not here because now I can set up my surprise. I make tiny sandwiches and pack cookies, blankets, tarts, fruit salad and lemonade. Putting all of this food in a basket, I hide it under a final blanket and go back upstairs and now all I do is wait.

*later that night*

We did nothing really all day, scrolling through the random pages of the internet, which might seem like a waste of time but really, just spending time together is enough. We fell asleep at 1 am once again, but my alarm woke me up. Good. 5 am on a Tuesday morning. It's time. I get the basket and get my shoes on. I shake Phil awake softly and I see a wave of confusion hit his face as he finds his glasses and put them on. I hand him his shoes and his jacket and tell him to get dressed and meet me downstairs.

He must be very confused. I hope he likes it. Five minutes later, I see a tired Phil make his way downstairs. I take his hand and lead him out the door, locking it behind me. Phil's still half asleep so I pull him behind me, holding the basket in my left hand and Phil's hand in my right. We walk to a hill in a local London park and I take out the blanket. It was a bit cold but that's ok, cold is ok because Phil's with me.

He must have figured out my surprise because he fell back and looked up to the sky, looking to the fading stars. I set the basket down and lie next to him holding his hand again, eating fruit, drinking lemonade and pointing out different constellations with our free hands.

"Hey Phil" I say, not taking my eyes off of the starry sky.

"Yes?" Phil says back.

I point out to four random stars and say "do you see these stars?" Phil nodded.

"They say you're a nerd"

I look over in the darkness of the early morning and I see him blush. I lean on my side and kiss him. The whole universe watching us, not hating me for once. The sun was rising slowly. "Seize the day" we had both said, and for now, kissing Phil at 6:20 am, may be the best way to start the day.

___________________________

Phil's POV

Light is hitting my eyelids. Is it already morning. Someone is waking me up, shaking me gently. I make a confused groaning noise as i open my eyes, reaching to the bedside table to grab my glasses. Putting them on I see Dan handing me my shoes and jacket.

"Meet me downstairs when you're dressed?" It's dark outside ? Why would we be going out. I've only slept three hours, what even is he thinking? Reluctantly I go downstairs, making sure I don't fall this time, especially in this state of tiredness. I get to the door engulfed in complete darkness and I feel Dan's hand hold mine. And when we leave the house, we walk.

We walk for at least twenty minutes until we get to the park. Entering the gates, it seemed like a completely different place. We walked until we finally got to the hill. It wasn't so much of a hill but was actually just a elevated clearing of trees where the grass was soft enough to run your fingers through without it scratching your palms. Dan lays down a blanket and I fall on top of it. Dan's brought me on a date. Before I have. He's taken me to see the stars. A date with the universe.

Low and behold, it wasn't just stargazing. Dan also brought food. That's where all the food went! I swore there was a loaf of bread last night but this morning it was gone. He's so adorable. We tried the cliché "feeding strawberries to one another" but it ended up with me accidentally smashing it onto Dan's forehead.

We eventually gave up and lay back down. Our hands tangled together as I pointed out the brightest stars and laughed at Dan's lack of knowledge of the universe.

"Hey Phil?" Dan says to me out of nowhere.

"Yeah?" I say, slightly questioning why he asked a question out of the blue.

" do you see these stars" he says, pointing out at four stars across the sky. I nod, as an indication of a yes.

"They say you're a nerd"

I can feel myself blushing but I doubt Dan can see me in the darkness. But he can tell and before I know it, I'm kissing him, the faint yellow light of the sun splitting the sky into different sides of day and night. And after all that, I think it was worth getting only three hours of sleep last night, because I wouldn't trade this moment for anything in the world.

3 days 17 hours 40 minutes


	10. Neutron Star Collision

*previously*

3 days 17 hours 40 minutes

__________________________

Phil's POV

We lay there until the sun came up. Of course we got up and left when we saw people running or taking their dogs on walks, besides, what's the point in lying on a blanket when the sun is up ? It's already really cold outside and right now, I need warmth.

We walked back to Dan's house, hand in hand, our breath making little puffs of air in front of us. Getting back at just over 7 I decide to go back to bed, I want to be able to stay awake for the muse concert tomorrow. Walking up the stairs behind Dan, I almost trip again, but I held onto his hand, stopping me from falling. I heard him mumble something

"I can hold on if your hand is in mine"

We were holding hands, and however far away we will be I want this moment to stay frozen. On the same set of stairs, one hand in the other, 7:30 in the morning, just having spent the whole morning star gazing. However far we could possibly be we would always remember this moment.

When I reach Dan's room, I fall asleep almost straight away. Dan on the other hand just sat there. I don't know how long, but he was still wide awake as I fell into the realm of sleep.

\-----

"Put the gun down" I hear a familiar voice say. And there I was, standing in his room, pointing a gun at his head. Dan was crying, hunched into a ball in the corner of the room, his hands covering his face as some sort of last protection.

If I had to go, then so did Dan. We could both be together, for the rest of our lives. No more separation, no more moving to different continents, just eternal togetherness.

"What are you doing?!" Dan let out through his tears, finally admitting that he was going to die. out of all the days he had wished he could've died, today was the day Dan did not.

"Please. Don't do this"

\-----

I sit up screaming, gasping for air, waking Dan up from his sleep. He's still alive. I feel his arms wrap around me, trying his best to calm me but I break down. He strokes my hair and hums songs in my ear, kissing my forehead until the crying subsides.

Is that how I want things to end? In death? Where both of us couldn't ever see the world again, we couldn't have star gazing at 5 am anymore, we wouldn't have anything but each other. I don't want us to die, I want the best for Dan, I don't ever want him to ever be in a place where death would be a possibility. He's such a strong person, I can tell he'll accomplish great things, even when I'm gone.

I've had these nightmares too many times. Sometimes I have them more than once in one night, not ever the exact same but always with the same objective and conclusion, both of us would eventually be together, but in order for that to happen we would both have to die. Of course, I don't want that to happen.

It's 3 pm. It's still Tuesday. And I slept so that's ok, even though it wasn't really a very good sleep, so I'm all rested but it seems that Dan can't say the same, drifting off slowly but keeping himself awake. I lay him down, his head resting on my lap and I draw patterns on his shoulder until he falls back asleep. another few hours would pass but that's okay because I would trade almost anything to stay this close to Dan, but alas all good things must come to an end.

The question is, what should I do until Dan wakes up ? I tidied his room and downstairs seemed untouched since we were down there together last. The other doors of the house, except for the guest room, were locked for some reason, although there must be some explanation. There must be something.

I look around the now tidy room, and I realise how different it is when it's not messy. Light blue walls covered in photos Dan used to take with his film camera, posters of his favourite bands, dried out flowers in vases everywhere, framed autographs from singers he'd met, shelves full of thick books, his piano stool full of sheet music and his notebooks stacked next to his computer. But one thing caught my eye and that was something I forgot about. The pile of crumpled paper in the corner of the room sitting on a beanbag chair; the pile that I sat aside to read.

I place Dan's head onto a pillow and go to collect the pieces of paper, trying to not wake him as he slept but hell, I made waffles and this boy didn't wake up I'm sure he wouldn't wake up if I just walked across the room. And he didn't. I scooped up the papers, there being at least thirty five different pages.

I pick the first one up

" I love the way you stick out your tongue when you laugh"

Was this about me? then I read the second

"I see you looking at me when you don't think I notice, but I'm too scared to look back"

I read the third and the fourth, eventually getting half way. They aren't addressed to anyone, they could be about a random person, maybe they weren't about me

"remember when we first met? I blamed you for my mistake and got you in trouble, but you still forgave me"

these were about me. I quickly realised that as I kept on reading, these notes were the thoughts going around Dan's head.

"Please don't leave me out in the cold"

"You're the only one keeping me together. I've never told you this"

"My mom left me alone and my Dad ran away, they aren't living in another house, they're gone"

"If you didn't love me, you wouldn't have to let me go. I'm sorry"

"I wonder what happens when your sun burns out. What happens when your star disappears?"

I spent an hour and a half reminiscing over these notes and finally I got to the last one. A full page ripped out from what looks like a book.

"Dear whatever,

There's less than 8 days left. I have a countdown on my phone. I check it every half an hour but because I have nothing to do it seems like I check it every ten seconds.

Phil, well he's here in my arms. He's with me. I thought he was avoiding me but he surprised me. He actually cared. He wanted me to be ok, he loves me that much that he actually was scared for me. I don't think that's ever happened to me before. It makes me love him even more. But I shouldn't be loving him if he has to go."

I cried. And not silent crying, not happy crying but full on sad crying. I tried not to be loud but I couldn't. tears now staining the page that must've come from his journal as I was surrounded by crumpled letters that held the memories of our past.

I couldn't stop, and I actually woke Dan up with my sobs, the second time today. It took him a second to figure out why but when he did, I he smiled sadly, looking down.

"It's going to be ok" he said, trying to convince me with the false sense of hope that I once used to assure him with.

I knew it wasn't going to be ok, and I knew he thought the same. I read Dan's notes, I knew that he didn't believe things were going to be ok, yet his voice calmed me and for a second, I thought things would be ok.

As unhealthy as we are, we ordered Chinese takeaway which we would've done earlier but pizza is always the first choice and we've eaten it so much recently, we decided we needed a change. After tonight? Two proper dinners left and that's it. We watched reruns of the great British bake off downstairs, hour upon hour until I heard an alarm go off. Dan's phone.

As it was closer to me than him, I reach to turn it off, looking at it briefly before switching it off. Just under 3 days left. It was his alarm. And like the first time we admitted our love, we fell asleep on the sofa again, this time even later than previous, trying to spend as much time embraced by one another. 3 am, the image of a clock ticking down blocking away the nightmares for now. the real question was, when I'm gone and the countdown is over, what will I do then?

___________________________

Dan's POV

Screaming. All I hear is screaming and I jolt awake and see Phil sitting upright, his arms wrapped around himself crying and screaming. I give him a hug, pulling him back down to the bed, stroking his hair, singing quiet songs and kissing his head like I remember my mom used to when I was a kid. The days where everything was ok. Well at least when I thought things were ok.

As I did this, I grew tired once again, eventually falling asleep as Phil lay me down like I did to him only half an hour before, although Phil didn't fall asleep with me. I must have slept for at least an hour until i was awoken again by another noise. Not as loud, but still loud enough to wake me up.

This time instead of screaming, I heard crying coming from across the room. Looking next to me, he was no longer there lying next to me. Phil sat on my bean bag chair, surrounded by my notes. The ones I wanted to give to him but I didn't have the courage to do so. But held in his hand was the page I ripped out of my journal, the one that reminded me of the reality of how little time we have left together, now ruined with the small spots of water where tear drops had hit the page.

"It's going the be ok" I say. I know it's a lie but I want it to be true. If I keep saying it, it might become reality right?

We stay like this for a while, however we order Chinese, deciding that pizza nearly three days in a row was getting boring.

Another night gone I think as we finish another episode of the GBBO. My phone makes its regular chiming noise, a notification for another day gone. But I don't reach it in time and instead Phil turns it off, but I can tell that he's seen what it's about and it brings down the mood. We don't talk about it and we turn the volume up for the tv, drowning out the thoughts with the noise of the bakers making bread. And this is where we fall asleep, on the sofa once again, one arm around Phil's shoulder and the tv playing in the background. Two more actual nights left. 2. Why does this happen to me? And why does this have to happen to Phil

2 days 20 hours 47 minutes


	11. Undisclosed Desires

Previously

2 days 20 hours 47 minutes

___________________________

The two of them fell asleep and once again had nightmares but when they woke up, they had each other to comfort them into going back to sleep.

Dan and Phil had already had too many lazy days, but what else would be interesting enough to do on a Wednesday? What would be worthy enough for one of their last days together. Nothing. They could think of nothing. But of course that wasn't acceptable so what did they do? Well they didn't exactly do anything. The day was not classified as a quote on quote "lazy day" but really it was just sort of a fun meaningless day to the both of them.

Before they started their day, Phil made waffles again. Not surprisingly as he made them anytime he had the chance. Sitting in comfortable silence, they are their breakfast, until one of them spoke up.

___________________________

Dan's POV

"So what do you want to do" I say through a mouthful of my breakfast, incoherently mumbling. I look like a mess, I should've made sure I looked ok before coming downstairs.

"What?!" Phil says, laughing at my inability to talk properly and probably also my appearance.

I repeat my words again "I said, what do you want to do" well, I attempted it anyway. All that came out was a muffled choking noise as I coughed from eating too much food at once.

"Dan what are you trying to say", Phil says breathlessly, having lost his breath from laughing so much.

"What's so funny" I ask, now sounding more audible, although a piece of stray waffle was hanging out the side of my mouth.

"Excuse me" he says, looking at me directly in the eyes raising an eyebrow, his tongue poking out again.

I don't reply until I finish what's left on my fork. "I said, what do you want to do and what's funny?"

He replies. "You of course, you living flop, now come on finish your breakfast, we'll decide afterwards."

So I finished breakfast quickly, I didn't want to waste anymore time on pointless things. I could eat breakfast any day, however I only had just only 3 days with Phil left. I went to the living room where Phil was waiting for me. So, what could we do? We had no idea.

Then it hit me. It literally hit me. I looked to the floor and suddenly there was a pillow thrown at me and I fell over.

"What are you waiting for?!" Phil shouts, "is my bear too small for a pillow fight?"

Bear.

He used to call me that when I was younger. I used to have a big fluffy hat that made me look like a bear in the winter.

The good old days.

"Oh bring it on" I say, challenging him, grabbing a pillow from the couch, holding it up in front of me, holding it as if it was a shield.

"Come on Dan, are you just going to stand there and protect yourself? Or are you going to fight. Fite me Dan, come on meet me in the pit, right here, right now."

I laugh as I launch myself forward, hitting him square in the chest. Not strong enough to knock him over though, so he took his pillow and started hitting me on the arm.

"Phil, come on, even a two year old would be able to fight like this, I swear you're not even trying" I say, trying to taunt him.. "Seriously, it's like you're doing this on..."

And before I get to finish my sentence, he tackles me to the ground, I can't stop laughing. throwing my pillow back onto the couch, I look up at Phil. "This is the most fun I've ever had" I say as Phil  sits up on top of me.

And we don't say anything really, the world just settled into a comfortable silence. Well that was until I flipped us over.

"You little shit" I heard Phil murmur.

"Oh my, what did I just hear? Did I hear Phil Lester, THE Phil Lester, the most innocent man on the planet, say the word shit? I did didn't I. Didn't I Phil. Oh look, your face is red. You didn't plan for me to hear you saying that did you? Well that's mistake number one, don't swear when you're talking into my ear"

"Fuck off" I hear him say louder.

"Wow Phil, I didn't know these words were capable of coming out of your mouth" I retort. "In fact, I might even say this is scandalous, just wait until word gets out!?!" I'm taunting him, and it seems like it's working.

"For fucks sake" he says loudly, and before I could reply with a smart answer, he was sitting on top of me again.

And he had this smile on his face, oh that smile, it was one of those smiles where you feel uncertain. Not uncomfortable but It felt unusual and scary, in a Phil kind of way of course. And I? I looked shocked.

"Oh Phil, come on, you fought me when I was on my weak side, that's not fair!"

He gives out a laugh and moves his gaze away from his face and for a moment I thought I had a chance to put myself back in control but not even a second later his hands were on my shoulders, mine were in his hair and he was trailing kisses from my jaw to my collar bone, slowly as if he was giving payback for the comments I made about him.

I'm trying to withhold a moan and I really try. I try my best but I fail, a low, quiet but audible moan escapes my mouth and Phil stops. He gets up, walks to the stairs and then turns back to look at me, a glint in his eye.

"Rule number one, Dan, I'm always a top. Always. Now keep that in that pretty mind of yours ok?"

fuck. He's fucking hot.

"You little shit" I say, repeating the words Phil had said to start all of this.

"Now look who's talking" he looks at me once again before going to get dressed.

11 am and already I am a mess. These are going to be a long two days.

2 days 12 hours 52 minutes


	12. Unnatural Selection

Phil's POV

"Waffles waffles waffles waffles waffles" I sing in my head. Dan should be down here anytime soon, he was just putting a shirt on.

As I set out the plates, I look up to see Dan standing there in the door frame of the room, his hair in every direction wearing a wrinkled shirt. I look down pretending not to notice, trying to hide the blush rising on my cheeks. Dan doesn't seem to notice, as he takes a seat and I go to the kitchen to get the waffles.

As soon as I place then on the table, he grabs one. He must be hungry. I decide to only eat one, I'm not that hungry anyway, but Dan, he has already eaten two and is moving onto his third. He's a little preoccupied so I won't disturb him.

"whrb arw wr gorng ti du tordat" Dan says, putting another piece of waffle in his mouth.

"what!?" I say. He sounds hilarious and to match that his hair is just everywhere. I start giggling into my hand but it escalated into a full laugh. I was laughing at Dan, and it was all because he was eating waffles.

"I shrd whsy atw ej goenh te hu nuday" he says, a piece of waffle escaping his mouth and falling to his plate.

"Dan what are you trying to say", I ask in an attempt yo understand him, trying to catch my breath from the laughing.

"What's so funny" he asks, louder and more clearly, still a  stray piece of food hanging from his mouth.

"Excuse me" I say, looking at him in the eyes. I raise an eyebrow, my tongue poking out once again like always.

Dan finishes chewing his food. Probably to actually be able to talk without looking like a complete mess.

"I said, what do you want to do and what's funny?"

I look down and back at him, smiling again. That nerd. "You of course, you living flop, now come on finish your breakfast, we'll decide afterwards"

I swear after I said that, Dan ate faster. He could choke and die on these waffles right now in this living room. I'm sure he'll be ok.

Waiting for him to be finished breakfast, I go to the living room in search for an idea that they could do all day. Watch a movie? There's nothing on right now. Go out ? No thanks it's a Wednesday. I subconsciously pace around the room until I see Dan walk in and then I have a perfect idea. Let's just have fun.

When he's not looking, I pick up the nearest pillow off of the sofa and throw it at him as hard as I could.

I hear a small yelp as it hits him and the impact knocks him to the floor.

What are you waiting for?!" I shout, "is my bear too small for a pillow fight?"

There it is. I've set him off now.

Dan, my little bear. I used to call him that years ago. He always used to wear this hat. This gigantic stupid fluffy hat that made his head look three times bigger than it actually was.

I fell distracted and in my own would until I heard Dan's voice again.

"Oh bring it on" he said loudly, grabbing a pillow and holding it to his chest. And he keeps it there. And I wait. He's not doing anything. What does he think he's doing ?

"Come on Dan, are you just going to stand there and protect yourself? Or are you going to fight. Fite me Dan, come on meet me in the pit, right here, right now"

He laughs and turns to face me, running towards me, pillow in hand and he hits me fairly hard. Not enough to knock me over but with enough force that I took a few steps back. And I hit him back, lighter than I did, I don't want him to be in anymore pain. Well that was until he spoke up.

"Phil, come on, even a two year old would be able to fight like this, I swear you're not even trying. Seriously, it's like you're doing this on..."

I don't let him finish his sentence as I decide to tackle him to the floor, throwing the pillows to the sofa, as I sit on top of his stomach. He's not going anywhere. I look down at his face and he's smiling a genuine smile. I hope he's happy.

"This is the most fun I've ever had" Dan says. Good, I'm glad he could've spent it with me.

I couldn't stop smiling. I just sat there on Dan smiling at nothing, silent but happy and then came the shock.

I was suddenly jolted out of my daydream state and found myself in Dan's place, lying on the floor and this time he was sitting on my stomach. That cheeky, that, that, that.

"You little shit" i mumble. That felt good. I never swear but that felt freeing.

Oh no. Oh my god did I just say that oh no did Dan Dan hear it. Oh god he did, it's not the time don't go into your teasing again you hypocrite

But low and behold not even a few seconds after he caught what I said, Dan started talking.

Oh my, what did I just hear? Did I hear Phil Lester, THE Phil Lester, the most innocent man on the planet, say the word shit? I did didn't I. Didn't I Phil. Oh look, your face is red. You didn't plan for me to hear you saying that did you?" No I didn't. I thought I was being quiet and I get so fucking flustered when you're like this.

Of course I wouldn't admit it to him, oh god no.

"Well that's mistake number one, Philly, don't swear when you're talking into my ear"

Philly.

oh. My. GOd. "Dan please stop" I thought in my head. But I didn't really want him to. In all honesty he was turning me on.

"Fuck off" I say into his ear again, purposely louder making it easier for him to hear. I wanted this to continue.

"Wow Phil, I didn't know these words were capable of coming out of your mouth. In fact, I might even say this is scandalous, just wait until word gets out!?!"

just watching the words fall from his mouth made me blush. But his words wasn't what I wanted.

"For fucks sake" I said in a low voice, distracting Dan with my swearing and before he knew it, before he could come up with a witty comeback, I was once again sitting on his stomach looking down at him.

Once again I'm smiling but it feels different. I'm determined for something and that something is Dan I can't let him go. If he says I'm the sun, then he is my whole universe.

"Oh Phil, come on, you fought me when I was on my weak side, that's not fair!"

I brush his hair away from his eyes and I laugh, sounding almost like a giggle. How funny and I look around before settling my eyes back on Dan. I feel him tense up. Not this time, when will you learn you're not going to succeed again. So I grasped his shoulders and started kissing right below his ear. I feel his hands tug at my hair as I move down his neck to right above his collarbone and I could feel him try to wriggle free beneath me. Not going to happen.

I choose a particular spot and stay there for a while. I think this is a good form of payback. And then I hear a nose coming from Dan. A low moan from the back of his throat. There. Payback. I get off of him and stand up leaving him a mess on the floor, he teased me with his words, this is what he got.

I would've stayed there without the payback but what fun would that be, I'll always take a challenge. I walk to to door and stop to look back, Dan propped up on one arm looking confused.

"Rule number one, Dan, I'm always a top. Always. Now keep that in that pretty mind of yours ok?"

As I walk through the door, still in Dan's sight I smile and wink at him.

"You little shit" he says, looking a mix of confused, lust and shock.

"Now look who's talking" I say, pointing out that Dan just said the line that started this whole thing. I walk up stairs to get dressed and I check my phone.

11 am. Time to start the day.

2 days 12 hours 52 minutes


	13. Madness

Dan's POV

Whatever just happened oh my god I would give anything to get it back. Stupid moans fucking everything up.

I lay on the floor trying to think over what happened until I also went upstairs to get dressed. As I reached the top of the stairs I had the perfect idea of what we were going to do. Quickly finding something clean to wear, I get dressed. Pulling Phil's university hoodie over my head.

I stop at the top of the stairs to see Phil walking back and forth. He does that a lot. Making eye contact for a second, he blushes and looks away, distracting himself by putting the pillows back onto the sofa.

I run down the stairs, making sure I wouldn't fall like Phil always does and run up to him.

"I have an idea!" I say happily and excitedly as Phil turns to me and laughs.

"How do you feel about making a fort?" I ask a bit uncertainly.

Without any thought he shouts : "YES OH MY GOD DAN THATS GENIUS!!" He shouts while running to the cabinet holding all the blankets and sheets. "WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT!?"

"Maybe because you were too busy with the fact that I decided to wear your jumper?" I replied winking at him before starting to get to work on the structure.

we spend a good hour and a half perfecting our fort, bringing my mattress downstairs and using sofa cushions to make a soft floor, chairs stacked backwards and numerous blankets and bed sheets draped to make a ceiling.

And finally we were done constructing this "thing" of a tent. It wasn't that spacious but it was comfortable.

One thing we both factored in when making this fort was that we would need to be able to see the tv. Yes. Another lazy day but at least we would be having fun.

I go to make popcorn and when I return, Phil's already lying in the fort, scrolling through the different tv channels.

Joining him, we lay there and after a while we made up our minds, deciding to watch the star wars marathon playing on tv. I forgot how much I loved those movies. I lay there, my head resting on Phil's arm as we propped ourselves up awkwardly so we would be able to see the screen, which became a bit uncomfortable for a while, so I did the most reasonable thing. I tried to move.

Bad idea.

Not realising that the television remote was next to me, I basically rolled onto the remote and completely switched the tv to a different hdmi and launched the wii U.

"Come on Dan, we were just getting to the interesting part, why'd you have to do that" Phil complained in way that reminded me of a six year old.

"Well excuse me if your arm isn't as comfortable as it looks" I laugh out, switching back to the channel playing Star Wars, dropping the remote next to Phil. "There, have the remote so I don't "accidentally" ruin the movie experience" I say in the process of getting comfortable again.

Ten seconds pass as if everything went back to normal but suddenly the tv gets turned off completely.

"What the...? Phil ???" I ask, looking over at him.

And there he was, with a smug look on his face. "Oh what did I do wrong?" He said smirking.

"Come on Phil, we were just getting to the interesting part, why'd you have to do that" I say looking up at him, mimicking what he had said to me only a minute before, I now being the one smirking.

Giving up, Phil settled back down and we threw the popcorn at each other. Soon enough the food run out and we sat there until the movie ended, but it didn't end there, no there were 5 more left in the saga. Fuckin Star Wars and it's two and a half hour movies, who actually has enough time to watch them all in one day? Pfft, Of course that wasn't us. Okay, Yes we watched them all in order but we just didn't have the time. We could've been doing anything else but in that time and place, we decided to lay there for hours watching a movie about a war amongst the stars.

10 and a half hours later hours later and it was nearly midnight. Just half past 11 pm and our eyes were tired from staring at a screen for too long. deciding this fort was too much of a mess to clean up right then, we decided to put it off until tomorrow. Thursday. Two days left. What good can become of it?

And then I remembered.

"MUSE!" I say loudly, speaking my thoughts out loud. How could've I forgotten such an important thing as that.

This random surge of excitement knocked Phil out of his state of sleepiness but he looked over at me and smiled. If only I could put into words how much I love him.

Th excitement wore down but the thought of the two of us singing the same songs, together, having the best time didn't leave my head as we fell asleep lying on the floor of my living room, underneath a blanket sky.

______________________________

Phil's POV

I can't believe I just left Dan lying on the floor. That's so not like me what was I thinking.

I just finished getting dressed just as Dan walked in. It wasn't so much as an awkward feeling but more of an uncomfortable silence so I decided to leave and sit downstairs until he finished getting ready.

"What was taking him so long" I thought as I paced back and forth, still waiting for Dan. What are we going to do today. That thought went through my head, over and over again. What could we possibly do that would be worth spending one of our last days together.

That thought process continued until I saw Dan standing at the top of the stairs looking down at me with a face of happiness and confusion. I stopped my pacing and focused on him. He was wearing my university jumper and it looked fucking good on him, pardon my language. Maybe I'll let him keep it.

He quickly runs down the stairs and I sense he feels excited as he blurts out

" I have an idea! How do you feel about making a fort?" 

Perfect. Something fun, something we used to do. I love it ! I love him.

"YES OH MY GOD DAN THATS GENIUS, WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?!" I say as I grab some blankets from the storage cupboard.

"Maybe because you were too busy with the fact that I decided to wear your jumper" he winks at me and turns away. Good because my face is turning an embarrassingly dark shade of pink and I wouldn't be able to face the torture of Dan's teasing like this.

Getting to work, I focused on making sure the ceiling stayed up while Dan made sure that the base structure like the chairs all supported one another. We were like the power duo. If we could be superheroes that's what we'd be. Of course our superpower wouldn't be making forts, it would be something amazing like making people happy or maybe teleportation so we would be able to visit each other all the time. Anyway I got off track again. We made the fort in double the amount of time it took us to make one as kids, however we are both significantly taller than we were back then and we needed to make a bigger fort.

Towards the end of building, I knocked down one of the chairs and half the ceiling collapsed, which isn't a surprise as I am probably the most clumsy person on the planet.

The outside looked quite boring, mismatched blankets, weighed down sides, uneven chairs but once you went inside it was completely different. It was Dan's idea to string fairy lights through the backing of the chairs and they emitted a soft glow. We brought down Dan's bed mattress and Covered it with all the sofa cushions and pillows from around the house laid strategically making it as comfortable as possible. This was the best bed I had ever lay on.

And finally, 1 pm we had finished the masterpiece. An hour and a half of work and now what next? Well why don't we watch some tv? Dan went to get some popcorn from he kitchen so I decide why not get a bit comfy. Going through the television guide, my eyes travel to the sci-fi channel which was having a marathon of all the Star Wars movies which Dan agreed he would watch with me some day and as I'm leaving, what better time than now?

it would be an understatement to say that everything went well. First of all, we spent a good twenty minutes pelting popcorn at each other, not actually eating it but trying to get them to land in each others mouths. And then, clumsy me was back again once more. It happened halfway through the movie, even though it was actually all Dan's fault.

Now, I'm not perfect, which means that I might not have the best arms to lean on...

Star Wars was playing and I just lay there, my arm outstretched and Dan's head was laying on it. For some weird reason, I wasn't as comfortable as he would've liked so obviously he tried to move his body into a more comfy place.

Dan rolled over and suddenly the tv switched to the wii U, the mariocart 8 theme playing loudly.

"Come on Dan, we were just getting to the interesting part, why'd you have to do that" I say looking annoyed but mildly amused.

"Well excuse me if your arm isn't as comfortable as it looks" he says, putting the to back to the Star Wars marathon.

He then places the remote next to me. "There, have the remote so I don't "accidentally" ruin the movie experience"

I have an idea. Just a quick laugh. For a few seconds things go back to normal, we continue watching the film until I roll over slightly, this time actually turning the whole tv off completely.

"What the...? Phil?!" I hear Dan say, confused as he looks over at me. Take that Howell.

"Oh what did I do wrong" I reply, a smile forming on my lips, I'd gotten him back.

"Come on Phil, we were just getting to the interesting part, why'd you have to do that"

That sneaky son of a.. Ugh he took my own words and used them agains me. Ughh. That. That. That's not fair ugh.

I give up, turning the tv back on and that's how we stay. For the next seven hours we just lay there, laughing and crying over the Star Wars franchise. Time flies fast and it didn't feel like any time at all. But soon enough yes it was past 11 pm and another few hours were lost, although I feel they were well spent.

It's not even that late but I feel tired which is an unusual feeling for me but normally it indicates that I just need to be getting more nutrients, more sleep or hydration. So I fall into that state of half asleep but still able to hold a conversation. Well that was until I heard Dan shouting.

"MUSE!!"

That snapped me out of it. And I opened my eyes to see an ecstatic Dan sitting up smiling a smile that would make a dark day brighter than a star on a clear night. And I realise it's because of me, because I asked him on that date to the muse concert. And oh my god I wish I could capture the moment because I think if I could stay here right here, right now, that would be enough.

I smile and pull him back down to the bed. It's late enough and we need to clean this whole fort mess up in the morning, plus, tomorrow's the concert, probably one of the most happy days I'll ever experience in this lifetime.

I fall asleep happy for once, not having any nightmares, just being content with the boy in my arms. Dan Howell.

1 day 23 hours 58 minutes.

 


	14. Time is Running Out

The two of them woke up earlier than they normally did. Instead f waking up at eleven they woke up at eight, happy and actually looking forward to something instead of dreading something. Today was the day of the muse concert.

_______________________________

Dan's POV

I woke up this morning to Phil shaking me lightly. Looking down at me, he smiled.

"Come on sleepy head it's 8:30 and do you know what day it is?!"

oh my god oh my god. It's today I.. I. I've wanted to go to their concert for years. Years. And it's finally today.

"Oh I don't know, nothing really important" I say. "Except for the most important concert I'm ever going to go to. Muse is today you flop" I'm laughing through my words, I'm just so happy right now and I'm not used to it, too many emotions at once and in this case I don't think that's it's a bad thing.

"Come on then we have a mess to clean up."

I sit up and see that all the blankets had already been taken down and folded and some of the chairs had been moved back to the table but everything else was still there. Putting all the sofa cushions back and returning the remaining chairs to the table, all that was left was taking the mattress back to my room, which I thought would be easy. Turns out it's extremely hard. Eventually we got it up the stairs and put it back on my bed frame. Going back downstairs we brushed up all the thrown popcorn that lay on the floor and it was all done. 9:30. Still quite early in the morning.

"I call the shower first!" I shout as I run up the stairs.

Phil follows up closely behind me "why? that's not fair Dan."

"Of course it's fair Phil, it's my house I get to call when I'm taking a shower and this time I'm having one first, tough luck sweetheart."

"Fine, just tell me when you're out"

We both got ready for the day, and instead of sporting a fully black outfit, I wore a white muse shirt and black jeans. Don't want to pass out at an important concert.

Phil said lining up in queue two hours before was the best thing to do, which left us with a few hours to spare and nothing planned. I tried to  
figure something out but I couldn't think of anything.

"Phil?"

"Yeah?"

"What are we going to do for the next seven hours" I say as I straighten my hair in the bathroom mirror.

"I have a few things planned" he shouts from the bedroom.

"Aren't you going to tell me" I shout back.

Phil walks to the bathroom door and pokes his head round. "It's a surprise. It's up to you to find out"

We were ready to leave the house at half past eleven, which is good given the fact that they took a half an hour video game break in between getting ready. The traffic was really bad but of course London traffic is mostly always bad. I didn't know where we were going but I trusted Phil with my life. We were dropped off around Piccadilly Circus just past 12 giving us lots of time to do whatever Phil said he had planned.

We walked round central London for a while until he turned to me and said

"So. There's one thing I didn't tell you that I want you to know"

Oh shit. What is he going to say. Am I in trouble. Did I ruin something between us. I'm so sorry

He continues talking.

"Well you know how I got the tickets for muse? And I said I got two. Well they weren't just normal tickets"

no. He can't be. They were so expensive. He couldn't have. He would've told me already.

"Dan, I bought us vip tickets to muse and do you know what that means?"

I stopped in my tracks and said nothing. I was in complete shock.

"It means we get to meet them. We get to go to the sound check in three hours. Dan? Dan??"

I was in complete shock. Phil did this for me. Because he knew how much they meant to me. He spent all that money and he kept it a secret just to surprise me. I ran over to him and threw my arms around him, giving him the biggest hug I think was humanly possible. I didn't know what I did deserve him but I just knew he was mine.

In the three hours leading up to the sound-check I was a nervous mess. Phil took me out for lunch / dinner / whatever you call it and I just nervously ate to calm my nerves. But then came the time where we got to the venue, tickets in hand and I felt like my life was going amazing. I was at a muse sound-check with the boy that I've loved for years. Sitting in the crowd watching the people I've only dreamed of seeing live only meters away but nothing could compare to meeting them two hours later.

I told myself I'd be cool. I'm an adult, I could act mature but when I walked into the room and saw Matt Bellamy smiling at me, I just started gushing about how much I loved their music to all three of them, Phil standing closely by smiling and saying thank you's. We got a picture and we were quickly gone, having to hold Phil's hand for a while to calm myself down from the adrenaline rush of meeting my favorite band.

Now all we had to do was wait for the show to start and the crowd to flood in but as I checked the time, the normal ticket holders weren't allowed in for another 20 minutes as doors opening time was 7 pm. So we went to our seats and just watched as the arena filled up bit by bit until the doors were closed and the lights went dark. We heard screams as the first sounds of the bass were played.  
in this moment this was where we belonged.

________________________________

Phil's POV

I shook Dan awake convincing him to put everything that I hadn't already put away, back in its place. Of course Dan wanted his shower first but we eventually got ready for the day. It's the day today. The day of the muse concert. I've been thinking about it for weeks, keeping it a secret from Dan and even though he's going tonight i still haven't told him the biggest surprise.

We leave the house and immediately at greeted by the London traffic. Great. We walk through gardens and parks and end up around Piccadilly Circus, the bright lights lighting up our eyes. I should tell him. And I will.

"So. There's one thing I didn't tell you that I want you to know" I say.  
"Well you know how I got the tickets for muse? And I said I got two. Well they weren't just normal tickets"

I paused for a second and I see a wave of emotions slightly flash over Dan's eyes.

"Dan, I bought us vip tickets to muse and do you know what that means? It means we get to meet them. We get to go to the sound check in three hours. Dan? Dan??"

Dan just stood there. Not saying a thing, looking at my face in a state of surprise and awe. He ran to me giving me the best hug and we stood there for what felt like ages.

Dan looked a bit tense and anxious for the next few hours so I took him out to lunch/dinner. A sort of combination of both because we would be at the concert at dinner time.

We decide to stand off to the side of the stage, the sound of a crowd-less concert, just the songs hitting the walls of the arena without the shouting of thousands of fans. And I looked over to Dan and decided that this was the best thing I could ever do for him.

Telling him that it was time to stand in the line to meet the band nearly made him cry. He didn't know his day would end up like this. But there we were, next in line to meet muse before their concert. We walked in and Dan turned into a frenzy of mumbles and happiness. I hadn't seen him this happy in a while.

  
I say a few things about how much I liked their music and we hugged and took a photo. That was it. We sat down until the adrenaline wore off.

20 minutes until everyone else would be able to enter so we go to our seats, right behind the pit. I didn't want us to get hurt, I just wanted to have a good time.

The opening acts were finished and we were waiting for muse to take the stage. The room goes black and we could see the phone screens of the eager fans wanting to take pictures. There was a loud noise and a light flashed. The guitar started and we knew this was the start of something amazing. But also it was the end. The last proper night with us both together for whoever knows how long.

1 day 4 hours 1 minute


	15. Starlight

The concert went by and soon they were at their last track.

"London, you have been a fucking awesome crowd thank you!" Matt Bellamy shouted into the microphone, causing people to scream back in excitement. "This song is called starlight"

the two of them were standing together in a crowd of thousands clapping their hands together to the intro of the song along with the rest of the crowd. The last song if the show. Their last night.

_______________________________

Dan's POV

far away  
this ship is taking me far away  
far away from the memories   
of the people who care if I live or die

Phil. He was moving so far away. Far away from the memories of me, One of the most important people in his life. I am a person who would care if he lived or died.

Starlight  
I will be chasing a starlight  
Until the end of my life  
I don't know if it's worth it anymore

Even when you're thousands of miles apart, when you look up into the sky it's the same sky. I will be chasing the stars back to Phil for however long it takes to find him again, even if it feels like it's pointless.

Hold you in my arms  
I just wanted to hold  
You in my arms

In a room of screaming people jumping around, I was in Phil's arms with closed eyes, letting the lyrics calm me just this once, blocking out the reality of life.

My life  
You electrify my life

That was true. He made my life worth living and I hope I made his too. I had a reason to move on because we had each other even if it was over a long distance.

Let's conspire to ignite  
All the souls that would die just to feel alive

If only there was a way he could stay. A way to conspire, to secretly plan. If only there was a way for me to keep Phil. But there wasn't.

I'll never let you go  
If you promise not to fade away  
Never fade away

please don't forget about me. That was the line that would never leave me alone. I'll never let you go.   
If you promise not to fade away. I don't ever want him to leave my mind, I don't want him to ever forget about me. Never fade away. I don't want to forget about him. If we do all this time spent together would be pointless. I can hold on if my hand is in yours.

Our hopes and expectations  
Black holes and revelations

The chorus exploded from the speakers.

Our hopes and expectations  
Black holes and revelations

Our dreams were crushed, like a black hole. at the same time we found out the truth of our love.  Our hopes and expectations were crushed by Black holes and resulted in revelations. I wish we could stay here and relive this concert. I wish a lot of things. I just wish Phil didn't have to go.

Now the lyrics started repeating again

Hold you in my arms  
I just wanted to hold  
You in my arms

I wanted him to stay.

Far away  
This ship has taken me far away  
Far away from the memories  
Of the people who care if I live or die

Phil makes me feel alive. I feel like I have a purpose when I'm with him. He cares if I live. He cares if I die. But will he care when he's gone.

  
I'll never let you go  
If you promise not to fade away  
Never fade away

We promised we'd never forget each other. As kids. My mom did the same. I hope she hasn't forgot about me. If she's still alive that is. At least Phil gave me some warning before he had to leave.

Our hopes and expectations  
Black holes and revelations  
Our hopes and expectations  
Black holes and revelations

The last round of the chorus played and I knew this was the end. The end of the perfect night. After this, I wouldn't have anything to look forward to. Nothing to distract me from the truth. The concert was nearly done and I could do nothing about it.

Hold you in my arms  
I just wanted to hold  
You in my arms  
I just wanted to hold

And the last remnants of the song faded into darkness as the flashing lights dimmed.

"Thank you London" Dom shouted before running off stage with his band mates Matt and Chris.

I turned to Phil, a smile adorned his already pretty face and I couldn't help to smile back.

He made this whole night possible. I rise on my toes and kiss him. Not for very long but it took a lot of mental effort. I don't like showing affection in public places. I feel like people would judge me. But I didn't care, Phil did this for us, it was the least I could do.

We took the tube home even though it was even busier than usual. Crashing on my bed, adrenaline from the show still in our system, we talked. About things we wouldn't get to say again. About stupid things we thought were true when we were kids.

This concert ending felt like closure to a chapter of my life. The chapter that ended my life with Phil. From now on my book will be different, Phil would be gone. I'd be alone. Who knows what would happen. I just want it to be okay.

__________________________

  
Phil's POV

I moved to the beat of the last song of the night, Hugging Dan from behind and just swaying.

Starlight.

One of my favourite songs was being played as the finale. Dan in my arms. At a concert I've waited forever to see.

If Dan wasn't here, he would start going on about the irony of how one of the happiest nights of my life would be followed by the worst night.

But I try to not let the negativity get to me. Everything has to end someday.

".... I just wanted to hold"

Dom threw his drumsticks into the crowd as the song ended.

"Thank you London" he shouted, before running off as the stage lights turned off and the main lights were switched back on.

Dan turned around to face me and the look on his face made me possibly the happiest person in the world. I couldn't stop smiling. He looked so pretty, his eyes had a shine to them, you could basically feel the happiness radiating from him. I'm just happy I could make him feel this way.

He got on his toes and kissed me. That's normally out of his comfort zone but the look on his face showed proudness, accomplishment and overall adorableness.

We got home later than expected but we weren't remotely tired. We got ready for bed though, just in case we fell asleep. We talked all night about anything and anything, even if it wasn't really worth talking about. It continued for hours until we fell asleep early in the morning. At least 6:30 am. Our last proper night together.

0 days 17 hours 30 minutes 


	16. I Belong To You

A/N: implied smut in this chapter so I guess look out for it xx

Dan's POV

I didn't sleep much. Phil fell asleep at just past six but I couldn't sleep. I could sleep at any other time but in his last day, I couldn't dare fall asleep in the case of not waking up for hours and wasting Phil's last hours in the uk.

I hummed a children's song quietly to Phil as the sun rose.

You are my sunshine.  
My only sunshine.  
You make me Happy,  
When skies are grey.  
You never know dear,  
How much I love you.  
Please don't take my sunshine away

I choked up at the end of the song and I felt like I couldn't finish the song, but I did.

My sunshine Phil Lester who never fails to make me happy when I'm sad. He'll never know how much I love him. Please don't leave me, please don't take my sunshine away.

I didn't know how to wake him up so I let him lie there for a while until I started drifting off. No i couldn't fall asleep. Not at this time. 8:30 am. We needed to be together.

Phil didn't move. Not even a little. He deserves to sleep, he has to go through a lot but I'm always so selfish. I want it to be all about me, I want him to spend time with me, I want him to be awake so I can be with him.

Deciding I didn't want to wake him yet, I grabbed my journal and started to write as a way of keeping myself awake.

Entry 17  
Hi,  
I'm just going to write, no explanation. Why am I even bothering to write this. Shut up this isn't even important.

It's the third of December. A Friday morning. I know I document things a lot but today might be the most important day. After today Phil will be gone. After this morning I will have no more mornings with him. No more finding him curled up beside me. My bed will be cold and empty.

Most of this journal is just poetry. I might not seem like the poetry kind of person and I'm not really. I haven't written them, I just write them down here because they remind me of Phil.  
I'm probably going to write one in, in a minute.

I love you so much,  
More than the moon,  
Or the beautiful stars in the skies.  
More than the sunny daylight.  
Even more than the gorgeous Spring time.  
Or the cold winter snow.  
More than the pouring rain on a sad day.  
More than the gorgeous blue ocean.  
And it's time for me to describe it in such a beautiful way.  
So you can see the way it's to be loved by someone who would do anything to make you feel the same way, for a long time and never change.

Y.M.

I look at poetry a lot. It mostly reminds me of him. There are so many poems in this book. If I ever read through this book, I'd probably be too overwhelmed with different emotions. I don't know what to do.  
What if Phil leaving is like the sun setting. Maybe it was inevitable for him to leave but when the darkness of the night ends, he'll come back, he's the sun and I'm the moon.

I think I'll end this entry with another poem. I'll talk to you later hopefully.

You taste like sunshine  
Just like you've been kissed  
By the morning light

And I was the darkness  
Dancing with the Stars  
Carelessly, breathlessly

And our lips met softly,  
Colour erupting in the atmosphere  
The absolute lightest darkness

Dawn is breaking:  
A fleeting moment when  
The sun can kiss the moon

~ AKR

As I closed my book, I could sense Phil waking up, shuffling around before reaching out to grab his glasses from the bedside table. I lay down, pretending to be asleep, clutching the journal in my hand facing away from him. He got up and walked to the door as I opened my eyes for a second. Ruffled morning hair and glasses. He wasn't wearing a shirt. Just a pair of my oversized sweatpants. He looked fucking hot.

He disappears downstairs for a few minutes, coming back up holding two cups of coffee. He proceeds to sit on the end of the bed, slowly sipping from the mug in his hands. He set the cup down next to mine and quietly walked over to me. I closed my eyes, trying to channel my inner sloth, trying to make it look like I was sound asleep. And I guess it worked ? It felt like Phil had moved away so I opened my eyes quickly to see if he had gone. But instead of opening my eyes to nothing, my eyes met Phil's, his face being centimetres from mine obviously to surprise me. How on earth did he figure I was awake.

I must have been thinking too much because I didn't see Phil climb on top of me, straddling my hips. He threw his glasses to the other side of the bed as he looked down at me. I gave him a confused and amused look. What was he doing.

He leans down and slowly kisses me, my hands grabbing and pulling at the roots of his hair.

"Phil" I whisper and he hummed in response, still kissing me, sending shivers throughout my body.

"Never mind" I say before attempting to flip him over.

But he didn't even move. He stayed grounded. He sat up and I caught my breath. I looked up at him and he just smiled.

"What?" I said confused.

"Dan" he says.

What could he want.

"Yes Phil?" I teased back, an eyebrow raised.

"Dan, you know where I get most of my clothes right?"

"yeah?"

"it's called topman for a reason you know and it's going to stay that way"

That sneaky bastard but before I could even think of a comeback Phil's lips were back on mine, rhythmically moving but almost therapeutic , making me forget that he had to leave.

His shirtless figure combined with his messy hair and the streaks of sunlight from outside made him look so fucking hot. He started rocking back and forth as the kiss got deeper and our lack of breath drove us to move faster.

Catching our breath again, our faces still close to each other, Phil looked away and whispered in my ear.

"That shirt has to go don't you agree"

It sent a shiver to my toes and as a tossed my shirt off the bed Phil's lips found their way to my neck again. I gasped in surprise and shock as he moved behind my ear, casually whispering confessions as I bit my lip, repressing moans once again.

But once again my body failed me and a small moan escaped the back of my throat. Barely noticeable even, but Phil? Phil noticed everything and would use it to his advantage.

He whispers once again in my ear, although this time louder and more audible than before.

" I was under the impression that bears made louder noises. It seems I was mistaken"

A challenge. Excuse me but I was under the impression that Phil Lester was an innocent man but it seems I was mistaken. I didn't say that out loud of course, i didn't know what he'd do if I did. So I just let myself go.

He continued on my neck until it looked red and raw. His face held a look of accomplishment plastered on but his eyes were fogged and his smile turned into a smirk. He got off of me and smiled at me sweetly. What was he doing. Running his hand from my cheek to my chest to my stomach, he moved dangerously close to my pants. Still looking at me, making eye contact, he slipped his hand into my sweatpants, his eyes searching for a reply.

I nodded hesitantly as he started palming me through my boxers. Phil fucking Lester of all people. My innocent little sun Phil Lester. The man who still has a plush hippo on his bed at the age of 25. And right now he's reducing me to a mess of moans and heavy breathing.

"Phil, f-fuck..Phil" I moaned out after a long line of swearing under my breath.

This time instead of replying he moved his hand into my boxers and as my eyes closed and rolled back into my head, I felt a knot in my stomach, sort of like when you have butterflies when you're nervous.

And from then on Phil started kissing me again, high energy and with passion. All the frustration of having to go put into this one moment and it was all too much to handle. Moaning into the kiss as my hands grasped at the bed sheets, I finally felt a wave of fulfilment as I rode off my high and I settled back down into the blankets of my bed. Getting up to clean myself off and change into clean clothes I lay back on my bed sighing with content, Phil joining me a few minutes later. And we just lay there, for who knows how long and i didn't feel like we were wasting time because sometimes doing nothing felt like enough.

After what felt like an eternity of silence, I said something.

"Thank you"

"For that?" He said with a smile on his face, remembering what had happened half an hour before.

I blushed, my face turning a pale pink. "Shut up you klutz" I laughed. Not denying his question. "Thank you for being here for me, thank you for everything" I say, turning to face him.

"It has been an honour to be with you Dan" he replies " and I hope we'll find each other. The sun and the moon. We just have to wait for a eclipse"

I checked my phone. Already 1:20 pm. Tick tock tick tock.

0 days 10 hours 40 minutes  
___________________________

Entry 18  
Today I recognise  
That the sun and the moon could not come  
For the world divides them  
Into - day and night

But on the rare occasion  
When both align  
And one eclipses the other  
I feel your warm lips touching mine

\- DK


	17. Overdue

Phil's POV

"help me get my suitcase down the stairs ?" I shout to the other room.

"Yeah sure" I hear a weak reply.

"Dan are you alright" I say, trying to find where his voice was coming from.

I follow his words until I get to a door. I've never stepped into this room before but as I walked in I saw a bed. A large bed with messy covers, with Dan laying on top, his eyes bloodshot and red from crying.

"Dan?" I said and he looks up.

Realising I'm in the room he gets up and fixes the bed. Turned away, not looking at my face.

"Dan why haven't I seen this room before?"

It takes a while for him to reply but he eventually speaks up.

"It was my parents room"

Dan's parents were always good people. I remember them from when we were kids but I haven't seen them in quite a while now, not having seen his mom in maybe four years.

"Dan, are you alright?" I ask.

But Dan didn't reply. He moved slowly back to the bed and sat on the edge. Moving his hair away from his face, i saw that he was still crying, tears falling freely down his face.

"Dan ?" I now say in a more concerned voice

"Phil, you haven't seen my family in years, why would they leave everything in this room untouched if they had moved?"

The information started fitting together. Dan never talking about his parents, all the pictures of his little brother had disappeared, all the remnants and reminders of them all kept here in his parents bedroom. They had left.

"Dan, please, tell me what's wrong. What happened?" I said softly, sitting next to him, giving him a box of tissues.

~~

It took some time but eventually he told me. How his dad left home, how one day his mom just left one afternoon with his brother without notice. I would really be leaving him with nobody.

"Now, shouldn't I be helping you take your suitcase down the stairs?" Dan asks letting out a shaky laugh before wiping his face with his hands and gets up.

We leave the room, dan turning around to look in once again before closing the door and locking it from the outside. I pick up half of the suitcase, Dan lifting the other side and after a good ten minutes, it was finally down the stairs. Yes an exaggeration because it was bloody heavy.

Looking at the clock on Dan's wall, I see it's 4:30 pm, already late in the day. Our last morning was spent in well, I'll put it as "productive" ways, whereas most of our afternoon consisted of comforting in Dan's parents room. I didn't mind of course, I just don't like the fact I had to go. Stupid fucking countdown. And yes I can swear, it's in my head go away.

It's an understatement to say that I get a bit worried when travelling, let alone moving. In fact I completely freak out. What if I forget my toothbrush? Or if I get on the plane and I realise I forgot my phone ?! The difference is that I won't be return for who knows how long and I leave something behind, I'm probably not going to see it again.

Scanning the house for small things I may have missed, I come to the conclusion that everything was packed that needed to be packed. Everything was ready for me to leave. Every trace of myself that I had left in the house had been tidied up and swept away as if I was never there in the first place.

Setting my suitcase and bag by the door I went to get my phone from Dan's charger (as I packed mine) and checked my emails.

2 unread

Phil,  
I got a letter saying you're furniture was nearly on its way here. I've found a little apartment for you, I'll think you'll like it. Oh and also, as your father is in hospital and I'm staying by his side, I'm going to get Martyn to pick you up from the airport instead. I'll see you tomorrow love  
xx mum

Just another email from mum. Three times in a day so far. Why can't she just text? I can use emojis if we text.

The second email was the receipt for my plane ticket, reminding me of what time I needed to check in by. 10:30 pm. Meaning we would have to leave at at least 8 pm to get to the airport in time. 4 hours left at home. 6.5 hours left together.

Instead of our movie nights we had been doing nearly every other night, we just sat there and talked. Three hours of talking, holding hands, my head lying in Dan's lap.

And then it hit me. Three hours left. Out of all of the time in the world that we had together, as kids even as teens we under appreciated each other and now in our last hours together I realise I wanted to have been able to do more. But I can't, not anymore. There's no time left. Those two weeks went by unnaturally quickly and I have 3 hours left.

I needed air.

I walked outside, the cold wind and the darkness of a winter night greeted me. I stood there for a while until I heard my name.

"Phil?"

Dan was standing at the door, wrapped in a blanket and wore a look of worry, sadness and concern.  
Ushering him back indoors I told him to get dressed, that we'd be leaving in the next hour and that I needed his help to put the suitcase in the car.

Dan was down in less than 10 minutes, not bothering to straighten his wavy hair in a rush. I could tell he had been crying and as a matter of fact, I had been too.

Helping me lift the suitcase into the boot of the car, finally closing the door, everything was ready for me to go. leaving today. the only recollection of me would be the photo in our high school corridor, Dan's photos on his phone and camera and other than that, I'll just be a memory kept alive in people's minds. Well that is if they don't forget about me first.

Anxiously scanning the house for the final time, I go upstairs and place something on Dan's bed before walking through all the rooms. It'll help him later.

The kitchen where we'd make cakes for our bake sales when we were 8. The living room where we made the tent and had the pillow fight. The dining room where we accidentally started a food fight on New Years.

And then I got to the door. Dan standing with the key. stepping outside, he locks the door behind me. A chapter of my life was ending.  
Opening the back of the car and throwing my backpack on top of my suitcase, I climb into the passenger seat. The engine starts and we drive away around the street corner as my vision of the house is obscured by taller buildings.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The car ride was more of an uncomfortable sadness rather than a comfortable silence. We arrived at Heathrow with just over twenty minutes until the latest time for me to check in although I swear Dan was driving slower on purpose, just to try to make me be late so I wouldn't have to go.

Signing in and checking in my luggage, I was left with my backpack my boarding pass and 10 minutes to go through to the gates. We didn't want to accept the fact that I was going so we didn't. We went to get coffee and as I set my backpack at my feet Dan started crying. I checked my watch; I had five minutes. I couldn't help him.

Picking up my bag and finishing my coffee I walk past him, I couldn't be late. He ran after me, tears streaming down his face as I got closer to the gate. Mumbled words through quick breaths as he tried to talk through his tears.

I promised myself I wouldn't cry. That it was pointless because of course we would be seeing each other soon. But I lied. I started crying. With 4 minutes left, I turned around to see a distraught Dan Howell, a backpack on one shoulder and a wrinkled shirt covered in tears. And I pulled him into a hug. A hug that made me never want to let go but it was too late.

I let go and kissed him, hoping that it would be enough to get him through however long I was gone.

There was an announcement on the PA. a last minute check for people who haven't gone through customs. It was directed to me.

"Dan don't cry. It's not goodbye. It's more like, see you around"

Wiping his tears I see a faint smile

"I love you, lion" he said.

"I love you too, bear" relied, walking to the customs line, looking back every few seconds to see his face.

Eventually the line ended and I was told to walk through a door to the gates. And before I turned my back and walked away, I saw his face. Lost, confused and sad. Just like mine. And I couldn't help him this time.

___________________________

Dan's POV

My sunshine was gone.

No more countdown. No more waking up next to him. No more waffles at breakfast. No more animal facts at 3 am. But this was how life was going to be and I had to accept that because life wasn't going to change back anytime soon.

Hours until Phil leaves the country =  
0 days 1 hour 48 minutes 


	18. Shrinking Universe

Phil's POV

I didn't spend the two hours in the airport the way I wanted to. I wanted to FaceTime to apologise. To say a proper goodbye while I was still in the country. But I didn't. Instead, I went round to all the shops and bought things. Lots of things. Things that reminded me of dan. Food that I wouldn't be able to buy in America. Things like that.

I checked my watch and it was time for me to go, getting to my gate and standing in line to get onto the plane.

Looking out my window i saw he ground. British ground. The ground Dan would be standing on while I was going to be halfway across the world. But at that moment, I was standing there too, but only for a few moments as I stepped onto my plane and was ushered to my seat.

Texting Dan before I had to turn it off for the flight, i hear the engines roar and we rush down the runway, I look out of the window as we were taking off into the sky and saw the city I'd be leaving for a long time.

___________________________

Dan's POV

He walked away into the line and before I do the same I turned back and got a glimpse of his face as he walked through the door to the gates.

It's not goodbye, it's see you around.

I went back to the car. I didn't want to stay at the airport any longer as it was the last place I saw Phil.

I got home an hour later. The house felt lonely and more empty than it ever had been. There wasn't a suitcase at the door, there wasn't a pair of lion slippers by the sofa. Life would go back to being the only one in the house, as if Phil hadn't lived there but instead of Phil being a few blocks away, he'd be a few thousand miles away.

After locking the door and dropping my keys on the kitchen counter, I decided go to bed. There was nothing meaningful to do anyway. No planning left to do.

Phil's plane would be taking off at anytime. Turning the lights off and going up to my room, i saw a package on my bed. it was poorly wrapped in what looked like avengers wrapping paper and on top was a note.

~ dear Dan  
It's nearly Christmas so here's your present. I hope this isn't your only present but if you would like, you can open it now. I hope you like it and I hope it is enough until you see me next.

I love you bear  
xx Phil

~

I put the note aside and picked up the present. It wasn't heavy but it wasn't light either. Taking off the wrapping paper, I put the present back on my bed. There lay Phil's university jumper. The one I wore only the other day. He left it for me as a reminder. If only I had an idea like that, I would've given him something of mine.

I took the jumper and put it on. It still smelled like him, it made me feel safe if that makes sense.

Climbing into bed still wearing the shirt, I get a notification from my phone.

1 New Message  
From: Phil

I unlock my phone hesitantly and read the last words Phil would say to me in the uk.

~  
Dan. My plane is about to take off so I have to go in a second but I wanted to create some closure because I don't want you to worry. I'd like to say goodbye. At least for now. I'm not breaking up with you, I just think we need a break. Until I come back because I don't want you to have that emotional stress.  
I'll always love you.  
x phil

I didn't know how to reply with a full answer so I said I loved him back, hoping it would be enough until we skyped. I mindlessly slipped into a state of nothingness and denial, numb from the events of the day. I fell asleep alone in my bed, my sunshine setting on the other side of the world and my universe getting ever so smaller.


	19. Execution Commentary

Dan's POV

A week passed and he only called once and it was to tell me that he landed safely. At least he remembered to call me at all, I thought he would've forgotten me by now. Anyway, I have decided to use my journal again so here it goes.

Dear journal?

I wore his jumper everyday this week. It's the only piece of Phil I could keep with me although it's loosing that distinct smell of him.

I hardly did anything at all. I'm going to compare this to an example. I guess it's like if you lost something in your house. at the start you try your best to find what you lost but after a while you give up because it's not worth it or simply because you've tried your best and you just can't find it. But then sometimes the thing you lost will come back out of nowhere and you realise that it was there all along on some stupid place like the kitchen table.

However in my case, I tried my best to find a way to keep Phil here but I lost him and I gave up because there was no way to be able to have him any longer. All I'm hoping for now is for him to show up one day out of nowhere. Like that thing you lost that was hidden under your nose all that time. I hope he comes back like that. One day soon.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
3 weeks since last entry

Dear journal,

Phil's dad is okay which is keeping him in a more happy mood although I can see that he's already changed. It's good that he got to spend Christmas with his family. Oh, and like he predicted, his jumper was my only present as I don't have many people in my life that actually care.

It's been one month already. I've made the decision to get a job. Not because I need the money but for the purpose of keeping myself busy. So I've taken a job at the flower shop down the street. It's only a few minutes walk away so I won't ever be late which with my history of lateness is a good thing. I'll update you with how that goes later. Hopefully I won't get fired.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2 months since last entry

Dear journal,  
I skyped Phil yesterday. He looked tired. I hadn't talked to him in a few days. He never leaves his dad's side. He said that the doctors told him his dad could live in between 6 months and 3 years which is stupid. Why can't they narrow it down so I know when I can have Phil back again.

I'm so fucking selfish I know but I'm just trying to focus on things to make me happy. I want to know when he'll be back.

We didn't talk for long. He doesn't really have the time anymore. Too preoccupied with his dad and the doctors like I said before. His mindset that once was so youthful is gone and now his mind is built up like a wall, letting nobody in. It wore him down. He's not the Phil that i knew. It still looked like him but his body language. The way he talked. It was all different. But he still said he would be there for me, even though he was so far away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

7 months since last entry

Dear Journal,

why hello there journal it's been a while. A few months? I don't know anymore. I guess this is quite a big update. It's been 10 months, Nearly a year since he left, woah. And it seems I've fucked everything up.

Phil won't talk to me anymore. We haven't for a month. I said one thing and I ruined it all.

"When will you come back?"

I said those five words, a simple question. he goes off, shouting over the phone. Telling me that the only way he would come back was if his Dad died and how inconsiderate I was for wishing death upon his father. He went on to rant about how I would never understand what he was going through because I didn't have a father to love me in the first place and the reason I became so messed up was because no one loved me properly. He told me I had to move on and that I was worthless if I couldn't live without him in my life and without a goodbye he hung up the phone.

For some reason, I wanted to hate him but on the other hand I wanted apologise because finally after all this time someone had told me the truth. It was my fault that I wasn't happy. I was pathetic. I couldn't live without him. He was right. How could not have realised it ?

I'm not sure if I'm going to continue writing this but if I do I just want to say that I still love him. Phil.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2 months since last entry

Dear journal,

it's been a year. this time last year, we stood at the airport and I cried. It's obvious now that he doesn't care anymore. Besides, I actually have a few friends now that care about me a bit.

He called me the other day. An apology. He talked through the phone quietly and I just sat there saying nothing. He was just trying to make me forgive him. There wasn't anything to forgive, he has always been right.

My job at the flower shop has become quite successful and the owner has considered me to become the next owner of the shop after she retires next month.

So going back to those friends I mentioned. There are three. I know three isn't a lot but at least I have friends now. Louise, Chris and PJ. Louise spends a lot of time in the shop but hardly buys anything. She enjoys looking at the colours and smelling the aromas but she's really nice and we go out for coffee every Wednesday at my lunch break. The shop where Phil used to work...

Chris and PJ on the other hand are completely different. I don't actually know how to describe them other than super gay and they are our most frequent customers, always buying flowers for each other which is really really cute but also VERY annoying.

But yeah they're keeping me happy, at least for now. They'll probably get bored of me and leave soon but they are amazing people so I hope not. Not that they're replacing Phil, they're just standing in until he comes back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

3 weeks since last entry.

Dear journal,

Happy new year. I have a New Years resolution for once. Louise has influenced me. More like hypnotised me. She's forced me into watching a video website called YouTube where she makes fashion videos. it's all that watch on my spare time. I swear I'm not addicted. Anyway my resolution or "goal" is to start making videos for that website just like her. It seems pretty fun.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1 week since last entry

Louise insisted that I needed to change my wardrobe before I started making videos as she said it looked "too depressing".... I mean, that is the point. Black aesthetic is literally my life. But she thought otherwise. She said that as it was a new year, I needed a new me. We went out shopping and she actually bought me a whole new wardrobe. Pale pinks, purples and blues. I feel like a literal fairy flower prince. It's different but I love it maybe even more than my black shirts.

She took most of the black clothes and put them in a series of boxes and stored them in the wardrobe, letting me keep a few items like jackets and jumpers and jeans but the rest was gone. Maybe I'd take them back out in the future but for now these new clothes were mine.

I pulled on a pale purple jumper over a white button up and my favourite black Jeans before realising it was a Sunday and I didn't actually have to be there so I went and made waffles like we used to.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

3 months since last entry

Dear stupid worthless journal,

Why are you even here anyway. You're just a book, you're not going to help me in any way. I don't know why I thought this was a good idea. But I'm here to write so that's what I'm going to do. Chris and PJ went away on a spontaneous trip last week and Louise went to Italy for a fashion event two weeks ago and still hasn't come back. They've left me alone. I don't hate them but I just really don't like them right now.

I've started making YouTube videos and people actually pay attention to them instead of ignoring me and just scrolling past my videos. I only started two weeks ago and I have nearly 1000 subscribers. People only know internet me, not actual me with all my problems. They only care for my persona, not the real me.

I don't want to admit it but I relapsed again. I have quite a lot in the past 12 months, I just haven't talked about it. Although now instead of having dark sleeves I have pretty pastel ones to cover my arms. Phil would be angry at me if he knew. I know he would. At least it's not as bad this time.

Oh and I forgot to mention. I'm the owner of the flower shop now which is pretty cool but it's also very stressful. I'll be ok. Well at least I hope I will.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

5 months since last entry

Dear journal,

I'm alone again. I almost burned this book in the fire the other day. Chris and PJ have decided to go university and Louise has been busy with her new beauty line.

It's September so the leaves are falling and business is getting slower. The thing with flower shops is that some flowers are seasonal which isn't very fair.

I'm not happy. I'm not doing well these days. Yes, my YouTube channel now has 57,000 subscribers but that doesn't make me overall happy. I'm not having a happy life. It's been over a year and a half and I still think of him.

It turns out Phil makes YouTube videos too and he's changed a lot. It's a good different. Sort of how I've changed, although it's completely different. He got a tattoo and wore more black than I ever did, but in the adorable way Phil always is, his tattoo is of a cactus. On top of this, he still seems to be a gigantic nerd, just a bit more different.

Anyway, I was going down the YouTube home page and saw his face out of nowhere. He made videos even before he left the Uk and it seemed like he was very popular too. How hadn't I known?

He looked so much happier in his videos, but then I also make the effort to act more happy while filming. I guess it's because I don't want people to feel worried about me.

I binge watched them all in the past week and i can't get enough of hearing him speak. It's been too long since I've heard it in real time.

It sounds like I'm a stalker but I miss him so much. Even though we haven't talked in month I still love him. I just want to know if he still loves me back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1 month since last entry

Dear journal,

Phil put a new video up last night. It was a Q&A. He has a boyfriend now. I'm happy for him, I really am. I'm just angry I can't be with him. I'm selfish. We haven't talked in a year why would I expect him to still love me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2 months since last entry

Dear journal,

Thank you for being there but I guess you can't help me anymore. This might be my last entry in this book. It probably is going to be the last. we've had a good run though. The ups, the downs. The sad, the happy. Louise and the others don't know but I love them very much and I hope they know that I always have. I just have to go. I think it's time.

Tomorrow is the two year anniversary. I guess it's a fitting time. I'll always love him. I will for the rest of my life, which is coincidentally not going to be very long. I'm scared but I'm always scared, it's nothing new.

So I guess this is my letter. If anyone reads this, which I doubt people won't, I'm sorry I couldn't be there for when Phil came back. I tried my best. Two years is a fucking long time to fight but it's time to give up.  
If my parents hear about this on the news, I'd just like them to know they they ruined my life so thank you for that.

To Louise, Chris and PJ. Thank you for helping me stay alive until this point but i just feel like now is the best time.

And to Phil. I saw your message on the second last page. If you came back and if you didn't have a boyfriend, I would've said yes. You should've asked. I'm not angry at you, I'm just disappointed that you weren't able to see the person I have become and that I wouldn't be able to see you in person again. I'm sorry for that.

But everyone, don't be sad, this is what I want. And to all those thousands of people who watch me on YouTube I guess it's time for me to say: goodbye Internet.

I hope you stay stronger than I am. I love you.

x Dan Howell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I promised, here's the Monday update. Sorry for the two year time skip but as you can see, I'm hinting a very major plot point. If you feel personally attacked or like your heart is being ripped out, tell me how you feel in the comments I love reading them  
> xx bella


	20. Falling Down

November 21st, 2015,

1 year 11 months since Phil moved to America.

Phil's POV

I haven't talked to Dan in a while. It's been at least three months but I'll be seeing him soon. I haven't told him yet but I'm moving back to London next month.

My dad passed away back in September. It took some time to realise he was gone but I think I'm ok. But I can't stay here, I want to go home, get everything back to normal. I hope he's happy to see me. After that phone call that I had with Dan, it seemed like he didn't want me back anymore. But recently I feel alone and unhappy. I've tried to change my appearance since his death. It was time for a change anyway. I needed to distract myself. Now I understand how Dan must feel all the time.

Whenever I think of Dan and I feel happy. I miss London and my home. So I'm moving back and I'll be arriving on the same day I left, just two years later.

I've started making more YouTube videos again which is more fun than I remembered but I started getting comments from a channel I didn't recognise. It didn't have any videos, just a name. danisnotonfire? After a while the channel started posting videos. And it was Dan. Out of all the people in world, i found Dan's channel. I listened to him talk about his life and just hearing his laugh made my day better. How I missed him.

He stopped commenting after I posted a video about having a boyfriend. I was talking about him but I feel he took it the wrong way ...

Anyway, I'm basically all packed now all I really have to do is say goodbye to people which surprisingly isn't very hard considering how hard it was to say goodbye to Dan. I guess it's because I hadn't known these people as long.

I hopefully should be flying in around 4 am and I'll go round to Dan's to surprise him in the morning before I go to stay with my brother until I can get a place to live again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So today's the day. Just think, in a few hours, maybe half a day, I'll be able to see him again. I'll be able to hug him again.

2 years. Nearly the whole of 2014 and 2015 had gone without seeing each other. I tried to keep in contact but after what I said, he didn't want to talk, which was understandable. I just don't want him to not care when I come back.

*later that day*

Living in America has been fun but I didn't feel happy here. I don't have anyone else here and I miss the familiarity of being in London. And most of all, I miss Dan.

I stepped onto the plane, looking back to the country that I called home for the past two years before going to my seat, turning on my music and I falling asleep.

~

I wake up in England, the flight attendant shaking my shoulder, telling me that the flight had ended. I'm back. I'm in the country. The same country as Dan and finally we could be back together, like I promised.

I picked up my bag and jacket and walked off the plane. looking through the window I saw rain. Typical British weather. I'd have to get used to it again, California being hot all the time with minimal amounts of rain. It was just good to be back.

My suitcases take an insane amount of time to get onto the luggage conveyer belt, however in all fairness, I did have 3 with me which was probably why. I had arranged for Martyn to pick me up at 7am as he had moved back 3 months previously, not realising my flight landed two hours early that so I had 120 minutes to wait.

Taking a trolley, I place my suitcases on and decide to take a walk. My first morning back. And somehow I could already tell that it was going to be an amazing day.

___________________________

Dan's POV

I got into the car. 4 am. I got the idea from that Harry Potter movie. End it the way it started. Except Phil wouldn't be there, which was a good thing. Ending my life the place where we saw each other last. How fitting.

So where else to go than the airport?It took less time to drive there without the evening traffic and the dread of Phil having to leave. But this would be the last drive I would take in this lifetime. I would leave the house to nobody because had nobody to give it to. Perhaps Phil but he wouldn't be coming back anytime soon.

Pulling up to the nearly empty parking lot. I leave a letter on the seat of my car, grabbing my phone and jacket before closing the door and locking the car. 5am, what better time to die?

Not a lot of people are around, only the people coming in from early morning flights. Nobody will be there to stop me. Good.

I walk inside and get a coffee and some breakfast. I promised Phil I would eat properly when he was away so there I was eating a breakfast sandwich in an airport. My last meal.

It seemed like everything was my last. My last time putting on a pastel jumper. My last time driving my car. My last time drinking coffee. And soon enough, it would be my last breath and my last moments alive.

No matter how much I tried to change my life. My looks, my friends, my lifestyle, I was still the sad boy in love with Phil Lester. That would never change.

Walking to the terminal bridge, I take my phone out of my pocket and scroll down my contact list of 23 people until I get to Phil's name. I know it would be evening for him but I didn't care if he picked up or not, I just wanted him to know that I still loved him.

Pressing his name, I bring the phone to my ear and I hear the familiar ringing noise. Would he pick up the phone ? The phone rang for about five seconds until I heard a voice.

"Dan?" I hear on the other side of the phone.

He's talking to me. His voice quiet and raspy, as if he had recently woken up.

"Phil. Hey. It's been a long time hasn't it" I let off an awkward laugh and it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

"sorry. I'm so sorry Phil" I say, only then realising that tears were starting to fall down my face.

"shh" he whispered through the phone, "it's going to be okay Dan, talk to me."

"I can't" I choke out "Phil, please just let me say it one last time"

one last time

"Dan. What do you mean one last time? What are you doing? Dan where are you what's wrong?!" Phil said now panicking.

"It doesn't matter, you can't change it, you can't help, you're too far away to help me anymore. There's nothing wrong" I say walking towards the passenger walkway connecting terminal one to terminal two.

"Dan, where are you. I know you're outside. If something happens to you, I'll call the police to tell them where to find you."

"I'm so sorry Phil. I love you. I always will but I guess it's time to say a real goodbye isn't it?"

"Dan. Whatever you're thinking of, don't do it. Tell me where you are. Please!" He said exasperatedly.

fuck it. He wouldn't be able to save me in time, why don't I just tell him, it wouldn't do r fsany harm. I stepped up and sat on the railing of the bridge, kicking my feet back and forth, the December cold numbing my hand as I held the phone to my ear. I would already be dead and a splattered mess on the pavement by the time people would find me, so I told him.

"I'm at the airport Dan. On the bridge between terminal one and two. Don't send anyone after me. I have to go. I have to. You don't understand"

"Dan. Don't do anything. Don't move, don't fall. I'm coming please stay safe" Phil said.

How stupid of him. I love him, but how stupid. I wasn't going to wait at least 10 hours for him to get to me, I'll already be long gone by then.

"Phil. Don't. You have a new life, you can start over without me. Don't waste your time, don't leave America please just be happy"

"that's already too late Dan"

"What do you mean" I say, holding back a sob. This phone call had gone on for too long. I just wanted to end it.

"Just stay with me for a minute. One minute please. Promise me that."

"You're just stalling the time. You can't do anything, you can't even see me let alone help me" I said while looking down to the ground. A long distance and a short fall.

"Phil?" I said into the phone but the phone was cut off. I didn't get to say I loved him before I left. I started to cry and I mumbled out words. The things I wanted to say but I didn't have the chance. Two years worth of pent up emotions, laughing and ignoring my problems with Louise, Chris and PJ. I had been pretending for too long.

"Why. Why can't he be here. Why can't anything turn out alright. Why can't Phil be with me now?" I whisper, wiping tears off my face, the sun rising with a light pink sky following the light. The same colour as my jumper.

I heard a voice coming from behind me. A voice I hadn't heard in person for a very long time.

"I said give me one minute and here I am. Right here, right now and always where you need me to be."

It couldn't be him. It couldn't. But it was.

I looked behind me and standing there next to a trolley of suitcases was Phil Lester.

Phil.

His familiar face and his open arms beckoned me and without a second thought, I put my phone back in my pocket and I climbed down from the railing. He walked towards me, embracing me in a hug that made me feel like everything would be okay. He was here. A wave of shock took over my body but I looked up and saw his worried face turn into a smile and I smiled back, both of us now crying. We were back together and I was still alive.

He said he couldn't be there for me anymore, yet he was here when I needed him the most.

Phil Lester had once again saved my life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... so that was an alternate twist wasn't it ? I didn't want to be mean so I kept him alive (for now) ;) but yeah if I've hurt you in anyway during this chapter, be sure to tell me, I'd like to read your opinions


	21. Interlude

Phil's POV

I decided it was safest if I drove back home.

Home.

It was a funny word to say because after two years, I was counting down the days until I could go back, and now that the time is now, there's nothing to wait for. Live in the moment then. And right now, at this moment, I'm going home. With Dan. Who is alive but asleep in the passenger seat.

Dan. And I.

Dan and Phil.

Back together at last. The fights between us, now forgotten in the past.

I wonder if he read he note I left for him. The one in the back of the book. I wish he did. If only he would say yes.

We got to his house, what used to temporarily be our house, quite early. Just past 6 am. I wake Dan up and get him out of the car. But as I get out, I hear a noise. I was sitting on an envelope. And that envelope was assigned to nobody. Picking it up and locking the car, I follow him into the house.

It was the messiest I'd ever seen it. Unwashed dishes in piles  
on the kitchen counter, pillows on the floor, dust-filled curtains and a broken chair in the sitting room.

It was already a tiring day although the sun still hadn't completely risen, so I didn't bother cleaning it up, I place the envelope on the table to read later. It could wait. instead, I go upstairs with Dan. He falls asleep quickly which isn't surprising. He went through a lot in a short period of time.

I needed to know. Did he read the note?  I needed to find the journal.

I found it underneath the bed in a box,  it seems untouched but as I flipped through it, I saw that it was used only yesterday.

I turn the pages of the book to get to my note but it isn't there. The page has been ripped out. He has read it. I just have to find where it is.

Eventually after 10 minutes, I get tired of looking. I walk up to the mirror and look at myself. Stood in Dan's room, Not on different continents but in the same room. And in the corner of my eye I spot the missing piece of paper pinned to his cork board. Walking up to it, I see my familiar handwriting.

"Dan, when you come back, move in with me? I love you"

And written underneath in tiny, shaky writing was the word

"Yes"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only a short chapter because I wanted to resolve the note mystery! Tell me how you feel about the story so far! I'll see you guys on Friday! xx


	22. Endlessly

Dan's POV

I open my eyes and find myself back in my bedroom.

I must have fallen asleep pretty early in the morning as I woke up at mid day. I don't really remember how I got home. I just remember that I was sitting on a bridge. Did I die? Is this what death is? Did I fall off that bridge and get placed in a heaven that looked like my life? it's exactly like life used to be like. I was back in my house. Comforting. Was I dead ? Probably.

I go downstairs and hear someone hum a song from the kitchen.

Endlessly.

Opening the door, I see Phil. Phil Lester. making pancakes for a change.

He sees me, waiting at the door and rushed to me, he puts down the mixing spoon and hugs me like his life depends on it. This couldn't be real. Phil was in America. I'm dead. I knew it. Phil would never come back to me in a million years.

But it feels real.

I feel his heart beating. He is alive. And I feel mine too. It's real.   
He's crying, mumbling incoherent words into my shirt.

I'm taller than him now. Not by much, maybe an inch but if this is real like I convinced myself it is, we had changed. Maybe not in a bad way, but a different way. Our styles, our opinions...our relationships.

After a while he lets go and goes back to making his pancakes, telling me to get dressed.

I go upstairs and pull on Phil's old university sweater over a pair of black jeans. I haven't touched it in at least 6 months, it's too sad of a reminder of him, but if this is real life, and Phil is just downstairs, it isn't sad anymore.

I walk back down to the kitchen and I look in to see Phil once again in his pyjamas with a spoon singing along to that Brittany Spears song. Toxic? I don't know. But one thing I do know was that I'm not dead.

It is real.

All of it.

___________________________

Phil's POV

"Maybe for a change I'll make pancakes" I think as I walk downstairs from a small nap. It's not even the afternoon yet. 10 am.

I stretch my arms and take a deep breath, I stop and take in the sight of Dan sleeping peacefully. He is alive.

Walking downstairs, I realize for the second time that day that the house was a big mess.

I went into the kitchen and put all the plates into the dishwasher before checking the fridge. There was nothing there. So I decided to go shopping, it was the least I could do.

I returned an hour later with 6 bags of shopping. Fresh fruit, bread, milk, eggs, pancake mix and a bunch of snacks and regular food for everyday life. I put the plates back in the cupboards, put the groceries away, cleaned the kitchen counters and went to the sitting room.

I opened the dust-filled curtains and picked the pillows off the floor. I folded the blankets and returned the remotes to their place on the coffee table.

It was well past 11 am. And what an eventful day it had already been. Only a few hours before, I was at the airport. Dan was about to jump... But I am back. Everything will be okay.

I take out the ingredients I need to make the pancakes and turned on a playlist on my phone.

Endlessly - Muse

"There's a part of me you'll never know  
The only thing I'll never show

Hopelessly I'll love you endlessly  
Hopelessly I'll give you everything  
But I won't give you up  
I won't let you down  
And I won't leave you falling  
If the moment ever comes

It's plain to see it's trying to speak  
Cherished dreams forever asleep"

I sing the chorus again, while I mix the bowl of batter until I turn around and see Dan. Standing at the door with the same clothes he was wearing on the bridge. he looks so tired. At least it's better than him being dead.

I set down the bowl and run over to him, hugging him before I send him upstairs to get dressed. We are going to do something productive today.

I finish the pancakes and Dan joins me, wearing my old university jumper instead of a light pink one for the first time in a long time. And Dan ate like he hadn't eaten in weeks, which in the state that he is in, could actually be true.

It isn't that long until Christmas, maybe just under three weeks, so I decide that we'll put up the Christmas tree. It takes some effort but eventually I am able to carry the tree from the storage cupboard, Dan follows behind me with the box of decorations in hand.

We spend a good portion of the afternoon deciding what colour lights we should put on the tree and eventually we choose light pink for Dan, and blue for me. they light the room purple.

I don't really make anything for tea, we sit on the sofa and eat the snacks I bought earlier in the morning, which is fine, it just isn't the most nutritious food to eat.

His head leans against my shoulder and in no time, he falls asleep, still holding his bag is cashew nuts. I lie him down on his side of the couch and drape a blanket over him as I turn off the tv.

I make a cup of tea and pick up the envelope that I left on the kitchen counter in the early hours of the morning, the letter that I sat on in the car.

I sit next to Dan, covering myself with another blanket and set my tea down, I open the unaddressed letter. It turns out to be a series of pages from his journal, so I start to read:

"Dear journal,

Thank you for being there but I guess you can't help me anymore. This might be my last entry in this book. It probably is going to be the last. we've had a good run though. The ups, the downs. The sad, the happy. Louise and the others don't know but I love them very much and I hope they know that I always have. I just have to go. I think it's time.

Tomorrow is the two year anniversary. I guess it's a fitting time.  I'll always love him. I will for the rest of my life, which is coincidentally not going to be very long. I'm scared but I'm always scared, it's nothing new.

So I guess this is my letter. If anyone reads this, which I doubt people won't, I'm sorry I couldn't be there for when Phil came back. I tried my best. Two years is a fucking long time to fight but it's time to give up.  
If my parents hear about this on the news, I'd just like them to know they they ruined my life so thank you for that.

To Louise, Chris and PJ. Thank you for helping me stay alive until this point but i just feel like now is the best time.

And to Phil. I saw your message on the second last page. If you came back and if you didn't have a boyfriend, I would've said yes. You should've asked. I'm not angry at you, I'm just disappointed that you weren't able to see the person I have become and that I wouldn't be able to see you in person again. I'm sorry for that.

But everyone, don't be sad, this is what I want. And to all those thousands of people who watch me on YouTube I guess it's time for me to say: goodbye Internet.

I hope you stay stronger than I am. I love you.

x Dan Howell"

Dan is asleep next to me, alive and as I smile, the lyrics from the song started playing inside of my head again

"And I won't leave you falling  
If the moment ever comes"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I've been gone for 2 weeks but I hope you like this ! I'll see you guys next week. Tell me what you think! xx


	23. Philip

  
The week before Christmas was the week that Phil moved in. the remainder of his belongings were delivered from America, meaning he was finally home. Louise, Chris and PJ all came back the week after Phil did, oblivious to the fact Phil was back. not having met any of Dan's new friends, they stayed round for pizza. It turned out that they all had things in common. Video games ? Louise didn't mind them but the rest of them loved them. Baking? They all liked baking. And YouTube. They all made videos for YouTube.

___________________________

Dan's POV

9 am

I wake up to a tweet notification from one of my subscribers.

"Hey Dan, are you alright? You haven't uploaded in two months?"

Shit.

I look over my shoulder and saw Phil was still fast asleep, so I logged onto YouTube and I checked his channel. he uploaded last week? I didn't see him filming anything, he hadn't mentioned it at all... it must've been when I went out shopping.

I go to my channel. 120,000 subscribers. woah. Since Phil came back, i've been wanting to start making videos again but I haven't had the motivation.

I get up and walk to the bedroom picking up the camera, the lighting and film equipment before I set it up facing my bed. I move the curtains and open the window to let fresh air and light in before I sit down and begin talking.

half an hour later I finish filming, exporting the video from the sd card onto my computer. I walk back downstairs and found Phil still fast asleep so I make myself a cup of coffee and sit down to edit.

I don't edit much out, it only takes me an hour. I didn't need change anything really, all I have left to do is choose a name for the video. this video is about him, so it would be fitting to have the video be called

"Phil"

~~~~~~~~

five minutes after I upload it, I get a call from Louise. Of course she finds it adorable. unfortunately, her excited screams are enough to wake Phil from his deep sleep. I was wondering when he would get up, I guess I know the answer now.

how long would it be until he sees the video? he's subscribed to me, he'll see it eventually. my Twitter feed is blowing up with tweets from my subscribers talking about how cute the video is. it's reassuring to hear that people like what I make.

I'm so lost in thought, I don't realize Phil is now sitting up on the sofa with the blanket wrapped around his shoulders. I didn't realise he had his phone, his earphones were plugged in and a happy expression adorned his face.

"you look happy, mr. sleepy head" I laugh as I reach over to ruffle his hair.

hesitantly fixing it, he pulls out one earphone and replies in a groggy voice with a smile  "no thanks to you."

he turned his phone screen towards me and there was my video. he watched it. an open video explaining that Phil was my best friend. not a video about our relationship, I couldn't possibly deal with all the drama, but just a nice video about Phil.

we put up the Christmas decorations as it's only 3 days until the 'special day'. normally I would do this at least two weeks before Christmas. we must have forgot how close the day is.

We put up the tree, put festive cushions on the sofa and somehow, I don't even know how he did it, Phil convinced me to make mince pies, gingerbread men and a gingerbread house.

so that was my day. making a video, some biscuits and putting up a tree until I fell asleep at the kitchen table with an apron still on.

___________________________

Phil's POV

I left my phone downstairs. great. I thought as I wipe sleep from my eyes. I roll onto my stomach, reaching over Dan, getting his phone to check the time. 10 am, not bad. I take a quick shower and get dressed before I write a short note to Dan explaining where I'm off to. I'm going to get Christmas presents.

seeing that the previous day, we put up the tree and it was now the 23rd of December, I should've gotten all of my shopping done but the truth is, I have next to no presents for Dan, Chris PJ or Louise. what would Louise like anyway???

I ended up being longer than I expected. I said I'd be away for two - three hours but in reality I was almost six. I hope Dan was alright without me for a quarter of a day. of course, he would probably be fine.

and he was. I got back to find Dan sprawled across ten sofa cushions on the living room floor... again. this was the norm. if I wasn't asleep with him, he'd lie on the sofa so I quietly walked past and went up to our room, giving me time to wrap the presents.

I'm halfway done wrapping them when I hear footsteps coming up the stairs and a shuffling outside the door, so I throw the presents into a bag, push them under the bed and I throw myself down under a blanket and pretend to sleep.

apparently I'm not a good enough actor. Dan lay next to me, my heart started racing and when he wrapped his arms around my waist, he could feel my heartbeat.

oops

he knows I'm awake.

I open one of my eyes to see his smiling face in front of mine. he gets out of bed and pulls my hand, wanting me to get out of bed and follow him. so I do.

I must've been upstairs for a while because the sofa cushions were back on the sofa, the blankets were all folded and there was a chocolate cake sitting on the counter. Dan ran down to it happily dragging me down with him.

"what's all this for?" I laugh as he pushes me towards the cake.

clearly coming up with an excuse, he replies in a sort of questioning tone "happy early Christmas???"

"you dork, is this an excuse to eat chocolate cake?" I smile back at his blushing face.

Dan looks away and fumbles with the hem of his shirt before looking back up at me.

"iloveyoualotthankyouforcomingbackiwantedchocolatecakepleaseloveme"

"so it was an excuse to get cake! I knew it!"

"um.... pfft no it wasn't"

"it so was"

"...you don't know anything ! you can't  prove it!"

"whatever, you're lucky that you have a boyfriend who also loves chocolate cake" I say with a wink, making his face an even darker shade of red. I cut each of us a slice and put them on the side...

... we proceed to eat half of the slice and then decide to throw the other half at each other; a food fight in our kitchen.our faces ended up covered in chocolate glaze and cake, and when we kissed, all we could taste was chocolate.

cake became my favourite food.

___________________________

Dan's POV

I wake up in a pile of sprinkles. As I get up, I see the giant mess we had created last night. cake  all over the walls, ceiling and floor, a jar of sprinkles had spilled off of the counter and there was one stray candle on top of the cake cutter. what a mess.

lying next to me was a sleeping Phil, also covered in cake and sprinkles. I wake him up and after a while I convince him that we should clean the kitchen after we clean ourselves up. so we took a shower.

showering together was a normal thing, but being covered in cake for  
hours, well, that wasn't very attractive.  
we try to get clean as fast as we can because we don't want to leave the kitchen a mess.

that food fight was a good Idea at the time but the clean up was torturous. who'd want to spend their Christmas Eve wiping up old cake from kitchen appliances?!

4 hours later, it was done. the kitchen became once again spotless and there was no sign of chocolate cake in sight.

I go out to get snacks for Christmas Day. we're hosting a Christmas party... if party means having three friends over to open Christmas presents.

I get back home to see that there are significantly more presents under the tree. Phil's addition to the "party". It's already quite late, but he isn't on the sofa, meaning he is either reading in our room or has already fallen asleep waiting for me.

I set the snacks aside and unpack them onto the table, lock the door and go upstairs where Phil was asleep with a book in his hand. as I climb into bed next to him, he wraps his arms around my waist and nestles his head in the crook of my neck. I sigh contently and fall asleep too, resting my head on his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahh sorry I've been gone for a month! I've missed writing but I've been really busy with school and vacation ! but I'm back! I hope you like the new chapter !


	24. Coma

Dan's POV

"what the fuck is happening" is the first thing that comes into my mind when I wake up. my body is violently shaking and I can't control it. I'm not having a seizure, no, it's Phil.

wearing festive pyjamas and a santa hat, he shook me awake, and the look on his face is priceless. although he's 27, he looks like a five year old, ecstatic about the presents under the tree. the best way to start the day.

We agreed to only open one present in the morning; we'd wait until the afternoon to open the rest with our friends. So we each pick out one to give to the other and sit parallel to each other with our legs crossed. I give Phil his present first, seeing his inner child take control as he tears off the wrapping paper and throws it aside. And there, folded nearly was his old university jumper, the one he had given me two years before, the day that he left.

At first, it seems that he was frozen in shock, the jumper grasped in his hands and his eyes becoming wide. But then he starts looking back from my face to the jumper and begins stroking the university logo, running his fingers over the letters.

After what felt like an eternity, he speaks up.

"Dan, you didn't need to give this back to me" he says, looking up at me.

I reply with a shrug "I thought you'd want it back."

He pauses and laughs before handing me a poorly wrapped package. I had missed our Christmases together, even if Phil's wrapping skills were questionable.

I raise an eyebrow his way as I take off the tape, not wanting to ruin the already ripped wrapping paper. Before I open it, I looked back to Phil, who is clearly trying to stifle his laughs for some reason.

I open the present and Phil starts laughing as if someone had told him the funniest joke in the world. I look down and there , sitting in my lap, is another one of Phil's university sweaters, and I too start laughing alongside him.

"Oh my god" I manage to say through my laughs.

By this time, Phil fell backwards, clutching his stomach gasping for air as even louder laughter erupts from his mouth.

"I-I know" Phil replies, moving for air as the laughing was making him feel nauseous.

And we continued laughing on the floor for ages.

~~~~~~

We bring up that incident throughout the day. I wear my new jumper and when Chris, PJ and Louise come over, Phil tells them the story, resulting in us all laughing again.

They, of course, brought presents, so after we ate lunch, Phil put on some "festive" music and we all sat in a circle.

I'm appointed as "the elf." That's what Phil likes to call the job where you distribute the presents to the receiving people. I have to wear this interesting Santa hat with built in elf ears and I hand out the presents, one by one.

Louise, of course, gets a selection of different makeup, an expensive box of chocolates, several glittery hair bows and three scarves.

Pj receives 2 new gameboy games, a Pokemon backpack, a legend of Zelda poster set and 300 vintage video game stickers.

Chris gets a giant inflatable crab, a pair of headphones, a phone case, a colouring book, an astonishing amount of socks (17 pairs) and a jumper.

Phil gets a fox jumper, a collection of food shaped erasers, a Polaroid camera, a photo book of pictures of us together, a cook book and the remastered boxset of Buffy.

And myself? I receive a pink jumper, a pair of black earrings, a lens for my camera, a stuffed Winnie the Pooh bear, a leather notebook, a remote control mini car and a fountain pen.

Of course, because Phil has the mind of a 6 year old, when i unwrapped that remote controlled mini car, he nearly ripped it out of my hands, taking off the packaging and pulling the kids toy out of the box.

It isn't a particularly cold Christmas but we still put our big winter coats on before going outside to test my new mini car.

The air is crisp and cars regularly passed by the park, looking out of their windows to see 5 grown adults playing with a toy car.

Phil has the most fun out of all of us, controlling the car to drive down the slide in the playground and then making it roll down a hill.

He makes it drive everywhere. Even the street where actual cars were driving. He says it's to compare a car's speed to a toy's speed, but he should've been more careful.

While he's off at the side of the road, racing my toy car down the street, it hits a rock and falls over on its side.

That isn't a problem, is it? He could just go over and pick it back up again. So that's what he does.

Seeing that he stands out with his all colourful clothing, Phil should've been safe. He should've been saved. He shouldn't have been at that street corner. He should've been more careful.

As he picked up the knocked over toy, he was crouched down to the ground with a smile on his face, but a car rounded the corner. Oblivious to the fact that Phil was there, it drives into him, knocking him off of his feet and dragging him down the street until we looked over and realized what had happened and started screaming.

The man stopped the car, saw what he did and stepped out, shock frozen on his face.

The man looked familiar. I'd seen his face before, I just don't remember where.

I rush to Phil's side as the man just stands there, Chris and Pj call an ambulance, Louise is also frozen in shock and I? I kneel next to Phil's limp body, blood running from his head down into the drain, his eyes still open. Is he dead? Is he unconscious ? Will he be ok?

Everything was just getting better. I look down at Phil's university sweater that I was wearing, now with blotches of his blood on the logo.

I check for his pulse. It was faint, but it was still there. He was still alive. I cried as I held his hand and cradled his head to try to stop him from loosing more blood.

The ambulance came and they loaded Phil into it. They asked me hurriedly if I wanted to travel with him, and as I agreed, I look up at the man who did this to him.

And then it clicked.

It was my dad.

My dad ran Phil over.

And at that moment I wanted to be the one who was hit by the car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been away for a month but here's the next chapter! There will be 1-3 chapters left of this fic probably so I hope you like the last few ones


	25. Thoughts of a Dying Athiest

Phil's POV

Why can't I move ???  
Why can't I talk? I want to talk!? Why can't I see? I can't open my eyes?

I could feel my heart beating in my chest, stronger than I ever felt it before. I had itches over my body that I couldn't move to scratch. And all I could do was listen to the voices. What happened?

Where am I?  
I don't know.

What is my name?   
I have no idea.

I relayed the little that I knew in my head.

I picked up a toy, was knocked off my feet and then I saw brightness seeping through the eyelids.

I hear muttered voices to the left of me. He voice sounds familiar but I can't put my finger on it.

That voice starts to get quieter as I hear soft sobs coming from that direction. Is that person crying over me? I'm not that significant. I'm not even sure who I am.

A few moments later that crying voice comes closer because I can hear him more clearly.

"Phil" he speaks while sniffling.  
My name is Phil. Interesting. "Phil, I'm so sorry. I couldn't save you." He takes a sharp breath. "You always have saved me. You saved me a few weeks back. And now you're in this coma and I can't do anything. I'm so sorry. I love you so much."

He started to cry and I felt his hand brush mine. And for a second I thought I remembered his face and my hand moved, and he gasped, but it was short lived and the image disappeared into blackness in the blink of an eye.

____________

Dan's POV

He moved.

I shouted for the doctor and she called for her team. She asked if I wanted to stay. of course I wanted to. they started routine checkups and for a second, I thought I had a glimpse of hope, but the head doctor turned around and told me everything was exactly the same as before. Nothing had changed at all.

I eventually fall asleep in the chair next to him and I wished to never wake up. He didn't deserve any of this. He always did things to make people happy, always tried to make the best out of a situation.

Great. I'm talking about him as if he was dead.

~~~

Three days and nothing was happening. I left the hospital to try and get myself together a bit, but I constantly worried of the possibility of him waking up when I was away.

I made the head nurse promise me she'd call if there was any development but as far as I know right now, Phil might be in this coma for days, maybe even months. There's also the possibility that he will not wake up at all.

___________

A week later...

Louise stopped by the hospital to check on us both. I haven't been keeping myself at the best standard of hygiene lately which has made the hospital staff look at me weirdly a few times. The doctor says it's a 30/70 chance for Phil waking up. Odds not in his favour. I said I didn't believe in hope, but hope is the only thing I have left now.

It can't stay night forever. I want my sun back in my life. He needs to wake up to brighten up what seems to currently be eternal darkness.

_______________________

Phil's POV

how long have I been lying like this? Sometimes I slip into a silent dream-state where nobody has faces except for one person who I call Dan. No idea where that name came from, I probably just made it up.

I haven't felt this rested in a long time. I've been listening to conversations and I've come up with the conclusion that I'm currently in hospital. Probably from that car incident that keeps flashing at the back of my head.

I keep wondering why I'm still lying here. I haven't moved in whoever knows how long. Why haven't they gotten me out of this sleep. This coma. Why can't I just wake up. I want to see the face of that talking stranger. I want to be able to live my life. But I can't. I'm stuck in this hospital bed.

~~~

After resting for what seemed to be days, I feel someone holding my hand. I had the biggest urge to just open my eyes and find out what this person looked like but I couldn't.

He's crying again. I feel his tears hit my arm and roll down my skin.

I couldn't be that significant to a person could I?

-

This routine continues for a long time. The mystery man sits by my side, cries and then leaves for a while. He cares about me so much, he wants me to be alright, but how can I feel the same way? I haven't even seen his face; or if I have, I've forgotten.

_______________

Dan's POV

I understand how Phil felt when his dad was in hospital. I feel completely drained of all energy, I'm not paying attention to my appearance and I'm doing anything to try to make it through the day.

I woke up this morning on the stairs, my back aches from sleeping on the steps and I was in the middle of a nightmare. The hospital had phoned me and told me that Phil has died when I wasn't there. I immediately went to the hospital to find Phil still in a coma but he wasn't dead.

Now? I'm at home about to take a shower. I need to take care of myself too. I promised him I would.

Half an hour later I'm out the shower and dressed. Go shopping and half tidy the house. The doctor said she'd call me if there were any developments. So I was left with nothing to do. Just like when Phil was in America. So I make a YouTube video.

I think it was time to tell everyone.

~

Making the video wasn't hard, I didn't edit anything out. I simply filmed it and uploaded it.

A video about our relationship.

I left out the information about the fact that Phil was in a coma. I didn't want to worry even more people.

As soon as the video uploads, I start crying. I held it together during the filming of the video but I broke.

I love Phil so much.

I finally got him back after 2 years of thinking I'd never see him again and now he's gone again. I mean, he's here, I can go and see him whenever I want to but it's not the same. He's not 'here', I can't just go talk to him. I can't wake up and see him next to me.

I'm watering Phil's cactus when the phone rings.

It's the doctor. I answer it quickly.

Before I get the chance to say anything, the doctor speaks.

"Mr. Howell, Phil Lester has just woken up."

I rush to the hospital as quick as I can, the front desk letting me through, knowing that something had happened. I run up the stairs, not wanting to wait for the lift and make it to the ward where Phil was alive and actually conscious.

His nurse was standing outside the door, clearly waiting for my arrival.

"He's just woken up so please don't do anything that might startle him. The car's impact might have given him acute memory loss, which may or may not be temporary. However, just try to be respectful."

I tried to listen to what she was saying but all I wanted to do was go into that room and see him alive and ok.

As soon as she finishes talking and she opens the door, I rush in to see the doctor and Phil having a quiet conversation.

They stop talking and Phil's head turns to see me.

"Phil!" I whisper loudly.

But all Phil does is scrunch his eyebrows together in confusion.

The doctor speaks up.

"Phil Lester, this is your boyfriend Dan Howell."

My face holds a sad expression. Phil isn't himself. He doesn't immediately reply.

He just sits there and looks up at me, trying to identify my face.

"I'm sorry Doctor Fletcher, I don't know anyone with the name Dan Howell."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Aaa I'm sort of sad as I'm sorry to say that this may be the second last chapter of this fic !! but I have plans for a new one which I'll talk about later. Anyway, I hope you liked this pretty sad chapter and as always, I'd love to hear your feedback ! xx


	26. Jigsaw Memory

Phil's POV

I don't know how it happened but I'm awake.

My eyes open suddenly and the hospital lights momentarily blind me before fading away and I'm met by the hospital surroundings.

Pale blue sheets, an old peach blanket and a wooden chair sat next to the bed.

A high pitch noise blares from a monitor next to me and a doctor runs into the room, immediately picking up the phone and calling a man called Dan? It couldn't have been the Dan from that dream I had. He wasn't real. It was all in my head. He was imaginary.

The doctor got off the phone and was quickly by my side. She asked me routine questions but it was hard for me to talk to I just wrote things.

When I was able to talk, I surprised myself with my own voice. It deeper than I had imagined in my head.

There was a knock at the door. It opens and in rushes a man.

"Phil!" I hear him whisper. It must've been the man who cried over me. I'm familiar with his voice but I don't know how. Did I know him before?

"Phil Lester, this is your boyfriend, Dan Howell."

He was my boyfriend. How. What. He deserves more. How can't I remember him. Is this just a joke. Nobody could love me.

I honestly don't know, I don't remember who he is. How could I forget him. I'm sorry.

"I'm sorry Doctor Fletcher, I don't know anyone with the name Dan Howell."

I say these words with a straight face. Not on purpose but because I'm really trying to focus on trying to remember. When I said those words, Dan's face dropped and tears formed in his eyes. Doctor Fletcher pat him on the back and asked for another seat.

I've never heard the name Dan Howell, I don't know he is, I don't want to know who he is. I want nothing to do with him.

I didn't mean that really, I mean, I just know nothing about him. He seems.. I don't know? Weird? How could not remember him. I wouldn't tell him any of this though.

I didn't know my place. Should I talk? Should I just stay quiet? Should I be involved with the conversation?

Everything just scared me. Dan was nearly in hysterics, Doctor Fletcher was  asking me all these scientific questions that made me feel like a lab experiment. I just want to be alone.

But Dan didn't leave.  He said he wanted so be by my side, even though I didn't know who he is.

I can see why I loved him but I don't remember any of that time before.

I closed my eyes and I was brought back to my dream where everyone was faceless except for one person. But this time the person with the face was Dan. I did know who he was. Somehow I had a recollection of who he was but it was just locked away in my mind.

I opened my eyes quickly, surprising Dan who was looking at my face.

He lifts his head, questioning the short switch from tiredness to happiness on my face.

I'm still not used to talking but I tell him what's in my mind.

"I think I can remember you"

Small pieces of my memory came back over a few days. They kept me in hospital for an extra week but I was released by early February. I was in hospital for nearly a month and a half.

I remembered my childhood. I remembered my older brother Martyn.  I remembered my parents, my dog, the first time I met Dan but everything past year nine was fuzzy. I'm sure I would remember the rest over time.

But I didn't.

Three months go by and I'm living in Dan's house. He's always busy trying to get in contact with his dad who was the one who caused all of this. Dan looks over at me all the time. I pretend not to see but I do and he just looks sad.

Three months. I thought everything would come back to me, but it just didn't. I mean, I did remember other things. Just not all. I can remember up to graduation now. When I finally got home from my last day of high school and just slept for a week. When Dan, who was still two years younger than me, was still in school. I can only remember up to 16 year old Dan. Young 16 year old Dan sitting in his living room as his mom read the newspaper at the beginning of summer. That was my most recent memory I had remembered.

Dan eventually found the car's license plate numbers for his dad. He was determined to find him and I wanted to find the man who did this to me. I knew Dan was a good man, one that I could trust because apparently I had already trusted him before. 

But everyone treated me like I was fragile. I'm not fragile, I'm just like anyone else. Nothin else has really changed, I just can't remember anything past 18 right now, but I'm convinced my memory will come back over time. I know I was hit by a car but it doesn't make me any different from anyone else.

Dan made me watch a thing called YouTube. He played me his videos but then decided to show me the videos that I had made previous to the accident. And as I looked up at the Phil Lester on the computer screen, I saw how different I really was to the man I saw. How happy he seemed while he talked about something he loved. How positive and loving he was. How full of love he had towards the people he cared for. And whenever he said Dan's name, he'd wear a content smile on his face. But he was me. I am the man on that screen. I had just forgotten it.

September came along and Dan cried a lot. He cried because he missed me. A few weeks earlier he had tried to kiss me and I just couldn't. I couldn't remember our relationship yet. And I tried to explain that I couldn't right now and he just nodded his head and left the room, returning half an hour later with red, puffy eyes.

He cried because I didn't want him to sleep in the same bed as me anymore. He cried because I wasn't as affectionate as he wanted me to be.

He cried for a reason that I didn't even understand. He keeps going on about "finally getting me back"  
and then "losing me again." It couldn't have been that bad. I couldn't have hurt him. All I can remember up to is when I got a phone call from my mom saying that my dad was sick.

"I hope my dad's alright" I say, accidentally talking my thoughts out loud.

Dan's head whipped around faster than I had ever seen before and he just looked at my face sadly. I don't know why. Had something happened? Did something happen that I couldn't remember?

I opened my phone and went to my dad's Facebook, but when I found his page, above his name was "Remembering." My eyes started to water up and I looked back to Dan.

When he saw me crying he rushed over and I let him hug me. The first real physical contact we'd had in over 8 months.

That night I fell asleep on the sofa looking at a picture of my dad. I had a dream of graduating university and getting a job at a coffee shop. I dreamed that I was eating pizza in Dan's house on a summer day. I remember Dan dropping out of university.

I woke up and realized that it was all true. That these were memories that I had forgotten. I could remember up to the summer of 2014.

Only 26 months left to remember. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this isn't the last chapter.. oops. There will probably be 2 more ! I hope you like it !


	27. Map Of Your Head

Dan's POV

Phil woke up and ran up to my room. He used to do that before he left for America, when he'd run over to my house after work. For a second, I thought everything was like it used to be. Phil remembered what we were, he knew who I was. He would know who he used to be. But my hope was short lived as he knocked on the door and brought me out of my thinking state. As it was early in the morning, I was still lying in bed. My hair was tangled and mattered, my bed sheets were half falling off of the bed and I was shirtless.

Before he got hit, Phil would've been used to this. He would've loved me still. But he doesn't love me. Not anymore. He doesn't feel the same anymore. He's made that completely clear. He doesn't remember a thing. The pillow fight, the Fort, the night we spent on the London Eye, the muse concert, he can't even remember that he moved to America and left me on my own. He doesn't know the pain I've gone through. He doesn't know a thing.

I tell him he can come in and as he opens the door, he freezes up, only for a second but I could see him tense up. I dismiss it as it probably triggered a memory in from before the crash. Something insignificant. Something that wouldn't help get his memory back. He asks if I wanted pancakes or waffles for breakfast. Of course I said waffles. I always say waffles. He rushes out of the room and slams the door shut, leaving me alone again in my room, a rush of air hitting me from the closing of the door, making me shiver slightly. I picked up an old t-shirt and my phone attempted to get out of bed

Phil's POV

"I think I love him" I think as I rush out of Dan's bedroom. He was everything I wanted him to be. I knew i loved him once but I still couldn't remember how everything happened but I love him. He was waiting for the old me but I wasn't back yet, but at least he could love what he already has of me.

I had a sense of determination wash over me. I was going to tell him and he was going to love me and everything would be okay. Everything would go back to normal and he wouldn't be that sad anymore. He would be happy. It would be like nothing had changed and everything would finally be okay.

I walked upstairs, trying not to trip over the carpet and knocked on Dan's door. I heard a brief groan as I opened the door and found him halfway fallen off of our bed.

His bed.

Not ours anymore. His.

He looked up from his awkward place on the floor and just raised his eyebrows, his face going red as his body fell closer to the ground.  And I stood there, a few steps into the room, trying to stop laughing, but as always, failing, as I brought my hands to my mouth, capturing the laughs. He lifted himself back onto his bed, grasping the sheets around his waist and eventually stands up, stumbling a bit as he attempts to keep his balance.

For a second, I forgot why I had come into the room at all. Everything felt natural and normal. But of course it wasn't. I was going to tell him that I loved him. Again. I just hope it meant something to Dan as much as it meant to me.

"Hey Dan" I say out of nowhere.

He grabs the shirt again and pulls it over his head while nodding.

I pause for an extra few seconds before clearing my throat " I don't remember everything, but I'm positive when I say that I love you. I love you Dan."

And he stood there. And he kept standing. And he didn't move. He was stuck. Frozen. Stopped in his tracks. And he didn't say anything for a couple of minutes.

What if he didn't love me anymore. After all this time, he didn't love me. He stood me up, embarrassed me in front of him. Made me love him when he didn't feel the same way anymore.

"Phil. Do you remember it? Do you remember it all? Can you remember any of that time? Do you have any idea what I had to go through?!" He shouted, his voice getting louder. "Phil, I'm sorry, but for now, I can't love you. You don't know a thing. You don't. And I can't love you until you remember everything. I'm sorry but I can't."

He pushed past me and left the room, and I swear I could hear him start to cry as he walked by. I should've just stayed downstairs and said nothing, because the one time I thought everything was going back to normal, I made it 10 times worse.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I took a break from this for a while but I'm back and there are only a few more chapters until I finish this fic but I hope you like it! As always I'd love your feedback


	28. In Your World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After an important argument, Dan regrets losing his temper over a problem he can't blame Phil for, however with Phil taking the blame, how does their relationship heal when Phil still can't remember the past?

**Dan's POV**

Phil just didn't understand. How could he walk into my room and declare his love for me? Without any recollection of what _really_ happened. He didn't remember the concert, the bowling, the London eye. He doesn't remember the pillow fort or the moment he left through the airport doors. He doesn't remember the desperation in my voice over the phone when I was on that bridge, about to take my own life. He doesn't get it. He doesn't understand. He thinks everything will be the same. I wish I could say the same but I've already felt a change.

I know PJ blames himself for it all. He was he one who bought the toy truck as the Christmas present. He doesn't like to stay around us much anymore because it makes him feel too much guilt. We haven't seen either him or Chris in almost 2 months. I hope they're doing well in university.

Phil still refuses physical contact. He says he remembers up until he got the call about his dad. He says he can remember up to a day, which if he described it right, was the day before I kissed him for the first time. If only he was able to remember just a little bit later.

His memory is slowly fixing itself. Maybe soon things will go back to normal. Hopefully. He doesn't let me kiss him, hug him or anything like that at all. 'Our' bed turned to just my bed, Phil refused to sleep next to me and I started to agree. If he wasn't the Phil I loved, why would I want him sleeping in such close proximity to me?

I'm surprising myself with how strong I'm being, or at least acting. Phil knows that I cry, I'm pretty sure he can hear me through the walls sometimes but it's so fucking hard seeing the person you've been in love with for years only remember your friendship. I only got him back and I had lost him again. I'm only holding on because i have the slight hope that maybe one day, hopefully soon, Phil. _My_ Phil, will come back to me and we'll be like what we were before and everything would be okay. I know it will never happen but something like false hope is all I have to keep me going all these days. That and just being around Phil.

Even though he doesn't remember our relationship, he remembers our childhood. He remembers the growing up together. Before the accident, Phil told me he had a crush on me since he was 14. Phil remembers that. And I would do anything to be able to kiss him but even when I do try, I stop myself last minute. Because this isn't the Phil I love. It's the same body but his mind is scrambled like eggs in the sun and memories fried like sixteen year olds high in the back of a car.

Whenever I look at him, every single time, I think of the past. The things we could've been. The things we could have done. If only he didn't have to leave for two years. If only the toy hadn't run into the street. If only my dad didn't have to be there at that time.

 His head lacks the memories yet he still has a scar on his hand from when he scraped his hand while bowling before we went to see muse. Of course, he doesn't know where that scrape came from; he's asked about it before and I've told him I probably wasn't there when he did it. He needs to figure out the past by himself.

I was harsh towards him and I can't exactly say he deserved it and it's not even his fault. But it's been months. months and he's not the same. It's hard to cope.

My dad did this. I never thought I'd see him either but the difference between my dad and Phil is that I wanted to see phil and I didn't give a fuck what my dad was doing with his life anymore. I saw that quick glance of his face and knew it was him. My dad was always the one to fuck up my life. It started with him leaving and that act ruined my mom and it's all his fault. He took phil from me. He didn't even stick around to see if Phil was okay! Not like I'd tell him. He doesn't deserve it. Even though I don't want him in his life, I need to talk to him. Get him charged, know what he did after he abandoned me. I have his license plate numbers. One day I'll find him.

____________________

Dan lay in bed until he needed to eat, which by the time he left his room, was  early evening. Hesitantly opening the door, he made sure Phil wasn't standing outside his room before walking downstairs. Things seemed quiet. Too quiet. It felt like Phil wasn't in the house at all. And that feeling was right. Dan stood in the kitchen and looked through the window to his backyard. Phil sat in the autumn sun on a rusted swing set he didn't have the guts to throw out.

And he was crying.

_________________

**Phil's POV**

How could I have been so stupid. If I say I love him, If i was sure I meant it, I'd let him touch me. Hug me. Kiss me.

I freeze at the thought. Isn't that what I want? It's clear Dan doesn't want me. Not yet. But when will my memory come back? He said he couldn't love me until I remembered. Can't he see I'm trying my best? I didn't want this to happen. Fuck, if I could go back in time and break that toy car before it even got onto the road, I'd do it. I didn't ask for this.

I can tell dan loves me. I see it in his eyes, behind the sadness that drowns his eyes, overflowing the dam of his feelings. He welcomed me back with the idea I'd be fine in a matter of a few weeks. Maybe months. He wasn't prepared for this. He didn't want this. He didn't want me.

I keep searching my head for an answer. As if my memories are something I have to unlock myself instead of trying to grasp at random flashes of the past. Every once in a while, something new comes back. For some reason I remember the slight memory of chocolate cake and for a second I could recollect a picnic in the cold. But that was only a moment. Not a whole memory. I can't be with Dan until I know it all.

I sit on the old swing set in the backyard wracking my brain for what seemed like hours, for any sign of getting my memories back. I hear the back door open and I stop swinging. Dan's standing there, wrapped in a blanket and suddenly I can recollect him lying in a park, looking up at the sky in the early morning. He looked happy. That's the first whole piece of new memory I've remembered in weeks. By the look on my face, it seems Dan knows what's up.

"What do you remember?" He asks me in a soft voice as if he really was sorry for shouting at me. And for a moment I doubt if he really cares. But he does. He wants my memory back maybe even more than I want it back. So I tell him.

"Did we ever have a picnic beneath the stars?" I asked him.

Dan froze and after a second he smiled. "yes, it was a few days after-" He abruptly stopped in the middle of his sentence with a look of quilt. "Sorry, you need to remember things for yourself."

"I understand... I am trying my best. Sorry it's taking so long." I say, stepping away from the swings and towards the door.

"You have nothing to be sorry about, Phil. You didn't ask for any of this. I should be the one who is sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you like that. It's just so hard talking to you and having you not remember so many important things..."

"Dan, I understand. Not directly but i can only hope it's not as worse as feeling as guilty as i feel when i see your face when you think i'm not looking. All that guilt. I am sorry you have to look at me like this. I understand if you want me to move out until I remember everything. If i even remember everything."

Dan looks shocked until his face softens. "Phil, you'll always be my best friend, regardless of if you don't remember our relationship. You have the memories of our childhood. If that's what i can have, then I'll take it.

I stand speechless. Dan had reassured that my fears were just fears, not reality. But I could see that those words hurt him. I could see that when he said 'friend' a little bit of his resolve broke inside and when I looked up to his eyes, his eyes were about to spill with tears. He turned around abruptly and walked back indoors. 

"Wait!" I shouted after him and he stopped, turning around as I caught up to him. And I did something I didn't think I would've done this morning.

I hugged him.

Just a small step in the long run but it was a step and Dan seemed okay with it. His arms wrapped around my waist and he sighed into our embrace. I breathe in and smell vanilla, orange and linen. Fresh. And I tense like a board. Dan senses it and hesitantly lets me go but I pull him back into a hug. 

A rush of memories spill into my head all at once, and as overwhelming  as it feels, Dan hugs me back and grounds me, asking if I'm alright. For once, I don't have a definite answer.

It's hard to separate them but I remember my last day of work and a pillow fight. I remember. I remember. Not all of it. And then I stumble back to the sofa, Dan still hugging me like he could't let go and I close my eyes and see the perfect close up image of Dan, bathed in the light of the streetlamps.

My memory played back like a record, scratchy but perfectly pressed. I hear my voice from almost three years ago resonate in my brain. "Dan?"

And I remember. The night i told him I had to leave. The night i set off the chain of events I couldn't remember but knew that ruined our relationship. The night Dan kissed me. Our first kiss. 

After a minute, i feel Dan shift out of my arms.

"Phil, what happened? Are you alright? What happened?"

Dan loved me this entire time. He lived with that memory. And worse. The memories I still didn't know that ate him from the inside out.

"The night I told you I had to leave..." I trailed off as I saw his face look back at mine in disbelief.

"You remember?" He asked me quietly.

"Only up to the morning after but yes. I remember."

Dan, now sitting next to me on the sofa closed the sitting space between us. " Do you remember what you told me that night?" He asked with a hint of hope and sadness in his voice, tears threatening to spill from his widened hazel eyes.

I searched through the new memory, trying to piece together a whole conversation. 

"I'm so sorry. Dan, I love you more than you know and it breaks my heart to say it. I'm so sorry."

I audibly gasp as the words come back to me and I whisper them aloud. Dan's resolve completely fell and although he was smiling, his sobs could be heard escaping his throat in hiccups and his eyes let tears flow freely. And I understand why he felt so sad all of these months. Why his reaction after seeing me in the hospital after my coma was so sad and heartbreaking. He loved me more than I knew. And he now had proof that I, in fact, really loved him back. 

And for the first time in months I let him do something himself. I let him kiss me.

He said he couldn't love me until I remembered it all. And this was just the start. But he had been in love with me the entire time and that is why it hurt him. I had also loved him. I had loved him for years before that night yet I never told him. That night was our proof. I proved myself to him. That was one night of many I had to remember.

He stroked my cheek as if it was an antique. One of a kind. Special. 

The kiss relayed a mix of emotions tangled like unkempt wires and knotted hair. I felt Dan's tongue against my bottom lip and I opened my mouth, tasting the remnants of his tears on his lips. This is what things would've been like months ago if I hadn't been hit by the car. This would be every day. 

This could be every day. If I remembered.

And as our mouths moved against each other, reliving the time before everything went wrong. I remember blood. Everywhere. In the upstairs bathroom. The man in my arms had hurt and I couldn't remember. I remember his bandaged arm. I hadn't remembered. 

I remembered the look of joy on his face when I told him I would be taking him to a muse concert. 

That's where the flow of memories stopped and I pull away from the kiss. Both of us pant, catching our breath, looking into each other's eyes, lips swollen and glossy with saliva, dilated pupils underlying a hint of surprise.  

I suddenly see him in a different light now. I feel for him, knowing he went through this alone over the past months. In the beginning, I hadn't even remembered who he was, despite having him being introduced to me as my boyfriend. Now I understood why I loved him. I re-lived it over again. And he now smiled back at me.

I place a hand on his arm and give him a short kiss again. I feel him relax under my palm but it was only short. I give him a small smile before quietly clearing my throat. 

"How do you feel about waffles for dinner?" I ask in a grainy voice.

Dan smiled. "Waffles would be great."

After making waffles, we sat back on the old swing set. At any moment the swings could collapse. Everything that held it up, the support frame, the metal chain, the seat; they could give in and fall to the ground. Yet it didn't fail and in fact comfortably supported both Dan and I's weight as we ate our dinner. 

Shortly after we finished our meal and took the dishes indoors, we lay in the backyard and stared up at the sky. The noise pollution of London wasn't as bad as it normally was and I could make out a handful of stars if i looked hard enough. 

We lay in comfortable silence until I remembered a conversation Dan and I had before I left. I decided to repeat his words.

"Hey Dan?" I say smiling happily.

"Yeah?" He replies almost instantly, also smiling.

"Do you see these stars" I say, pointing out at a few visible stars across the polluted city sky. He nods, laughing as he most likely was remembering our conversation from so long ago.

"They say you're a nerd" I reply. And with what sounded like a mix between a giggle and laugh, Dan propped himself on his elbow and stared down at me for a second before kissing me for the third time that night.

Although I didn't know everything, I knew that Dan loved me and I loved him back and that was enough for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what the fuck?? i know right?? sorry for actually abandoning this fic for almost 8 months oh my god. i never thought i'd be gone this long. school started and then i left the phandom for a few months but i'm back to finish this for those who want to have a conclusion for this mess of literature! anyway! i hope everyone is well and i hope the upcoming chapters will provide a good ending!  
> I also hope you liked this chapter! My writing has gotten better over the past year and a half & i'll be editing the previous chapters soon!  
> as always, feedback is p cool nd have a good day !


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